Don't Worry, Be Happy

I've never quite understood that before. But now I think I do. I feel damn good and I think that Greg is quite right....

Also, I think I am liberated. I shall work unto myself now, and I shall not worry about men - they can fend for themselves! (I may be a little intoxicated at this particular moment, but it's okay. Because I feel DAMN GOOD.)

Yes, that is all. Now, to bed and goodnight, all.

Five Months

It's weird. I just can't seem to be in a relationship for longer than five months. It's like, the ultimate time-limit. I'm not going to know what to do with myself if I ever get past that particular amount of time.

Made official last night, I am single once again. Because obviously I suck as a girlfriend. Inquiring minds want to know: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? There MUST be something. Hemingway said he had never fought with a girlfriend the way that we fought. It MUST be me.

Oddly Blank

I think Hemingway and I just broke up. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Self-Centered?

Is it wrong to work your ass off on your senior thesis (which is required for graduation), then be nervous about it until after you've defended it to a committee and gotten distinction? And THEN, is it wrong to want to go straight home and spend a relaxing couple of days exclusively with your family, watching TV, vegging out, and writing that 10-page play analysis of "She Stoops to Conquer" for your Great Plays exam, which is due by 2:00 Friday?

IS THIS WRONG???

I should be feeling triumphant and relieved and maybe a little bit on edge about getting that paper done. How come I had to spend 45 minutes last night arguing with my boyfriend about whether or not I'm a good girlfriend? How come I had to narrowly circumvent being broken up with right there with a trial-run second chance? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING AFTER I DODGED THE NOT-GRADUATING BULLET??? I've been paying (in scholarships, loans, and out-of-pocket money) $30,000 per year for three years, and HE WONDERS WHY I CAN'T SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON HIM???? What the fuck? What. The. Fuck.

I'm a little frustrated. I should be living in "you accomplished a huge thing and you should be proud" land. Instead, I'm living in "is this even worth it when he's being a jerk" land, and I don't appreciate it.

And yes, I do realize I've been busy and stressed and not able to spend much time on my boyfriend, especially since I live 4 1/2 hours away from him on a regular basis. But I don't even get to talk to my PARENTS as much as I talk to him and he STILL isn't happy!!

Also, there's the part where when I visit him on Friday, he's going to want to get physical and I AM HONESTLY NOT IN THE MOOD RIGHT NOW. Something about him being a jerk and him pushing to get physical even when I'm not in the mood that just makes me want to push him away. I really don't know what to do. It wasn't long ago that I was able to imagine spending the rest of my life with him, and now I'm just trying to imagine the next month with him. If it's going to be as unpleasant as it currently is, I'm not sure if I see the point. I don't like feeling like a bad person, and I know that I was right to concentrate on my own graduation rather than my romantic attachments. So why am I letting him make me feel like I was wrong?

Long Time Coming

Oh my. It's been such a long time since I last posted that I almost forgot that I have a blog. Well, in the land of Me, this is how things are going.

1.) Life with Hemingway is a little rough, because of the distance (natch), but otherwise good. He'll be visiting this weekend, which leads me into...

2.) ...Senior Project Land! Which is why I haven't been posting much. The problem with being a theatre major with an acting emphasis is that I only have three weeks in which to accomplish my senior project, which is essentially a thesis with a shitload of verbatim memorization on top of it (because, obviously, I need to memorize the script I'm acting from). The only bright spot was when I described the project to my sister over the phone and then told her that I have to defend my project to a committee, she finally began to take me seriously. SHE didn't have to write a thesis. SHE only had to do a Capstone paper. Trust me to choose the only school in the world that requires undergrads to to a thesis. I should've gone to Lycoming.

3.) Apartment-Land was okay until this morning, when I discovered that one of my roommate's cats threw up in my shoe. My expensive Born sneaker that I bought so I would have everyday shoes that don't fall apart. She and I will be having a discussion about this later. The other roommate and I are both anti-cat within the apartment, because these cats are spoiled and not very well-behaved. See also, one of them throws up on a regular basis. That cannot be healthy.

4.) Thanksgiving Break is next week!!! And I just found out that two of my afternoon classes are cancelled on Tuesday, so I may not have to leave reallyreally late after all. I may be able to leave after Dr. Fran's class, where we will have hopefully gotten all the way to Hamlet in our discussions. I say this with enormous optimism - and now we have to spend less time talking about Faustus, which I object to on principle. I LIKE Faustus and I'm bored with Hamlet. Bonus: I may get home in time to watch evening TV with my parents, which is fun because they understand that I like to make fun of things while watching.

5.) I have discovered what I am making everyone for Christmas. This is the first year EVER that I've known what to get Dad for Christmas.

6.) No access to Internet in my apartment makes me grumpy. It makes me grumpier to know that my roommate (the one with the cats) is in charge of that and she won't offer me any solutions except, "Well, the password I made up works on MY computer." I know what I'm doing. I know how to work wireless. I even went to CIS on campus to ask for advice and they said I was right - so listen to me and contact the provider to get the REAL password. Oy.

7.) Which means that if I want to work on my project, I have to lug my laptop to campus to set-up, which irks me. I realize it's more portable than a PC, but it's still a big laptop and rather heavy. And the bag is awkward to carry, too. Mrr.

I think that's all for now. I may come back with another update later while I'm procrastinating, but I don't know. For now I'm off and now it's going to be opening night for my senior project. (Also known as "Communicating Doors", a murder-mystery/farce/comedy/time-travel play. Yes, it does sound fun, doesn't it?

All Growed Up?

So, in two hours I will be 21 years of age. Weird. I'm not really feeling writing that much this evening, but I just wanted to say two things: 1.) This weekend is going to BITE, and 2.) I'm spending my birthday evening when I should be getting sloshed getting fitted for my nun's habit. WTF?

That is all.

Real Life? What?

Right. Well. I've been such a royal pain in the ass the past few days that I'm even pissing ME off. I can't stop missing Hemingway, and that makes me grumpy, which in turn pisses me off, which in turn sends on a downward-spiral into Unhappy Land. And that makes Hemingway unhappy, since there is very little he can do about the situation and it's only going to get worse before it gets better. On top of which, I've started my period. It's reassuring that I have not somehow conceived a babe in my womb during the past month, but that's really the only bright side to the situation. Hemingway was adorable about it, but I was too pissy to be grateful that he stayed up past 2AM with me talking me through a horrendous bout of cramps. All he wanted to do was make it better, and all I could do was snap at him and sulk a lot.

Why yes. I am irrational. Surprised? No?

On top of which, things are a little rough here in College Land. Classes are just fine, don't get me wrong. And my friends are lovely (and slightly impatient with me at the moment, here's why): I was in love with P for three years. P was not in love with me because he wouldn't let himself. It caused a lot of emotional strain on MY end and we were on-again, off-again for that length of time because I would get strong and break it off, then weaken my resolve and get back together with him. In any case, apparently P has been doing some emotional growth of his own this summer - enough so that he was A.) Going to ask me to give it another go, for serious this time, and B.) Going to give me the key to his apartment, because C.) He's gone and fallen in love with me. I do not lie and yes my life is beginning to sound like a bad chick flick or a Lifetime Original Movie.

Naturally, I was displeased (to say the least) at this news, mainly because I was hoping to come back to College Land and be happy platonic buddies with P. Boy, was there something off with THAT equation. Meanwhile, I am happily in love with Hemingway, who happens to be NOT emotionally constipated and who happens to allow himself to love me back - and he says so. Frequently. It's a nice change from the past, let me tell YOU.

So, here I am. In College Land. With P, who I no longer love. And without Hemingway, who I want to marry and make babies with at some point. Which brings us back to my Grumpy Place, which is not NEARLY so much fun as my Happy Place. To round all of this out, P wants to start spending more time with me, while Hemingway is in his OWN College Land feeling progressively more angry about the fact that I'm spending more time with my ex than I am with him - EVEN THOUGH THAT IS NOT REALLY SOMETHING THAT IS TOO DIFFICULT AT THIS POINT.

The situation stands as thus: I am in College Land. P is with me in College Land wanting to hang out this weekend. Hemingway is currently on his way to Syracuse to watch a flippin' FOOTBALL GAME (and to spend time with his friends who he doesn't often see, which I will grudgingly admit is good for him BUT WHY NOT SOME OTHER WEEKEND?? LIKE WHEN I AM OTHERWISE OCCUPIED AND NOT MOPING BECAUSE I HAVE TO WAIT ONE MORE WEEK TO SEE MY BOYFRIEND). Hemingway being in Syracuse causes me to be grumpy and sulky and generally on the verge of tears because he did not throw caution and money to the winds to visit me instead - WHICH I KNOW IS IRRATIONAL BUT WHATEVER I AM ON MY PERIOD OKAY?

It is not helping my state of mind that the aforementioned ex wants to spend time with me and is actively pursuing spending time with me on the particular weekend that I would much rather be spending time with Hemingway. I am hurting and unhappy and bleeding and I really just want my boyfriend to cuddle me for a while. In my brain, I know that next week is not far away - but at this point, next week feels like too late, you know? Because I'm not going to need him next week the same way I need him this week, just like I don't need him this week the same way I needed him last week. It might look confusing, but it makes sense to me.

Also, just as a closing thought - "Love Actually" is a bad movie to watch when your boyfriend is NOT QUITE GETTING IT. All of those men who are absolutely focused on getting to their lady love before it is too late.... bah humbug. Such fiction.

Insanity? Thy name is ME

So. Here comes the part where I make everyone aware of exactly how crackers I am. Currently, I am in State College. Doesn't sound so odd, does it? Well, when you bring into account the fact that not 8 hours ago I was in VA....

Here's what happened. I was sitting in my room, chatting on the phone with Hemingway when I came to the sudden realization that I MISSED him. And also that I didn't REALLY need to be at church on Sunday, since we don't have choir for another week. (Yes, aren't I smart?) So, I said, "I really want to see you. You have no idea how close I am to just jumping in the car and..."

And then it hit me. I COULD just jump in the car and drive up. There was nothing stopping me. No commitments, no life-threatening emergencies, no lack of resources.... I was free and clear. I could DO it. I gave myself time to think rationally about it during my meeting with Ms. F., but swiftly came to a decision.

So, here I am. He cooked me pasta. I got a massage. There were smoochies. It's been a pretty damn fantastic evening. And the best part? We're together.

In other news, I have this cough that just won't go away. And auditions on Monday. Woo. Note my excitement.

Long Time Coming

Well. I still live, I promise. It's been such a busy time - nine weeks minus technology or Buffy or a real bed. I've learned how to belay really well (I am more than capable of suspending someone three times my own size on a climbing wall safely), I've learned how to make kids behave (Why? Because I told you. And it builds character.), and I've visited Penn's Cave more times than anyone rightly should (This is a rock chasing a rock over a rock, dammit!).

It's been tough. I didn't think I would be required to think so much, but I was. Practical problem solving, philosophical debate, human relation issues, my own problems that came up to bite me in the butt a few times... Really, you name it. I got a lot of reading done - when you are deprived of reading time, you learn to fit it in and then you learn to devour what you can get. I didn't write very much and I was a bad music student for not studying my music. Actually, I probably abused my voice a lot and I'll have some extreme catching-up to do and vocal pampering to do come this semester just to compensate. My voice teacher will be displeased.

Due to some recent events, I really don't feel like going back to school. I mean, I want to continue on to my senior year. It's going to be an exciting, busy, stressful time. I have a real apartment now, with two awesome flat mates, and I'll be accomplishing my senior project. I have a kickass class schedule that, if I can keep up with it, I'll enjoy a lot. Also, I look really good - my hair, for once, continues to behave admirably well. I haven't lost weight, so much, but only because muscle weighs more than fat and I am now in excellent shape. It's going to be a good year... as soon as I get up the guts to go back down to Virginia.

Believe it or not, I'm really enjoying myself here. A lot. In spite of my sore wisdom-toothless jaw. I need to get some cleaning done now. More posting later - now that I'm back in Internet land, I'm trying to get back to my old blogging habits.

Good/Not So Good

Good Things:
Supper smells divine. Chicken with lemon and onion, grilled asparagus, and salad.
Camp in a few days!!!
I'm relaxed.
Still writing.
I have gotten lots accomplished.

Not So Good Things:
Once more, my fertility is making itself obnoxiously obvious.
Packing is boring.
I'm writing rubbish!
Slowly remembering I can't bring my laptop to camp.

One Rather Dreadful Thing:
I need bifocals. And they're a stronger prescription than my mother's.

Relaxation?

An active mind is a horrible thing to waste. I'm bored. The upshot is that I write more when I'm bored - I've written oodles, none of it remotely decent, but it felt good to banish it from my brain. I've also managed to addict my mother and two of my darling siblings to Buffy the Vampire-Slayer, so I've been able to monopolize the television.

...I'm a very, very bad person. I am well-aware and accepting of that fact. :-D

However, I have gotten quite a lot done, writing-wise. Cooking-wise, too. Momma's been taking advantage of my cooking skills once more and I like doing it - mainly because that means generally, I don't have to do the dishes afterwards. Last night, I invented a meal that was quite lovely. My sister was visiting, so she showed me how to make these Thai potato pancakes (don't ask, I didn't and I'm happier for it) with an excellent dipping sauce. With those, I threw some chicken in the oven slathered in lemon juice, spices and herbs I picked fresh from the garden and minced up, and onion. It was so good. We also had salad, which I admittedly didn't eat - but the rest was excellent. I love experimental cooking. Tomorrow I may bake bread.

On Wednesday, I have an eye-doctor appointment - Dad wants me checked to see if I need new glasses, because my headaches have been becoming more frequent and that generally means I need a stronger prescription. Also, he wants my hearing checked before I go back to school in the fall - the deafness has gotten a little bit worse recently, which is mildly irritating.

I'm excited for camp! We were supposed to start on the 1st, but due to some scheduling interestingness, we had our training scooted to the 8th, which gives me an extra week at home to goof around. Some friends of mine who I went to camp with as a teenager are going to be there and I haven't seen any of them in ages - we've all been getting back in contact and it'll be like a big Teepee reunion! (Yes, we slept in teepees, and yes, that's how we spelled it. Get over it. Teeps '03 rule!)

In any case, soon I will be living in the woods with very very limited access to Internet. Also, I think I get cell phone reception in two places at the camp. However, I'm excited. I can still get to my email during office hours and I'm going to see old friends and I don't have to talk to people! My inner-hermit is rejoicing. I'll be the stoic, silent counselor who is marvelously supportive but in a... quiet way.

Ah yes. And then pigs shall fly.

Lists Are Good Things, Yes?

It's been a fairly eventful week or so (however long it's been since I've posted), so I'll highlight the basics in list-form, as is my wont. Here goes:

1. "Honour" went excessively well. For all that we had two weeks to rehearse, we did a kickass job and I'm so proud of the finished product. As an actress, I grew. I grew as a person, too - having to understand the show and how my character worked within it was a cathartic experience. Also, le stalker only showed up once and I fled the scene before he could talk to me. Yes, I am a coward. But a smart one, yes?

2. I have a job at Camp Krislund. I start my training on the 1st and I'm really excited for it. I'm a senior counselor. :-D

3. I'm back in Pennsylvania now and I have two weeks to just relax and enrich my brain. And also read Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfiction.

4. In case you hadn't gotten the gist from above, I have developed an unhealthy addiction to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Or, more specifically, to Giles - my bespectacled, British, tweedy, geeky, and entirely kickass favorite character. Were he real, I would marry him.

5. I participated in a voice masterclass last week and - well, to say the least, it went very well. The woman giving the masterclass was so impressed with my voice that she has offered me her spare room in her apartment in NYC while she sets me up for auditions. I would be auditioning for people who would give me grants and scholarships, and also for the Metropolitan Opera's Young Artist Program. Hopefully, all of this will involve international study and eventually a spot at the Met. (Top artists at the Met get paid $15,000 per performance. Just imagine.) All of this will occur next year. I'm to call to set things up in October.

6. I haven't been sleeping much these past few weeks. Right after S. got sick the first time, I started getting bad nightmares - the strongest theme running through these nightmares was an unholy sense of helplessness. I would wake in a terror and then not sleep for the rest of the night. The nightmares had gone away and I thought it was just a fluke - but now they're back, and I can't figure out what the trigger is. It's driving me a little bit nuts. I'm tired - exhausted, really, and I need to get rest before camp.

There. That's been the past week or however long it's been. Ups and downs - but happily, mostly ups!

Clarity?

When a person says in a somewhat impatient - well, actually, just plain rude - way that they need "space" and "time", does this automatically translate to "two days and then start sending messages and IM's and texts" again? I'm just wondering.

In relation to this, I have hopefully erradicated the stalker-problem. Hopefully.

In other news, I'm pretty sure I'm ready to be off-book tonight for the show.

And my email isn't working.

That is all.

Grumpy Face

I have a stalker. A real, honest-to-goodness stalker. I know girls who have bragged about having stalkers. How is this a good thing, I wonder? If it goes any further, I've already reassured my roommate that I'm calling the police. He knows where I live. He left me flowers in my car, for fuck's sake. I feel all... weird and uncomfortable about it.

In other news, I'm moving back to Pennsylvania for the summer. I have a job at Krislund. Thank God - the news could not have come at a better time.

Lovely?

After a gorgeous day like today, I feel bad for reading my friend's blog account of her travels in Vienna and feeling jealous - but it's difficult not to compare and think, "I could have been there."

It was a beautiful day, though. I woke up REALLYreally late after sitting with P. on RA duty to keep her company. Then I showered and by the time I was out of the shower, there was a message on my phone (from P.), which stated that she was wandering around downtown and I was more than welcome to join her. So I did, and we wandered around before stopping for lunch at the Pampered Palate. We ate outside, right on Beverly Street, and people-watched while we ate cheese and soup. It was delightfully warm out and - yes, yes I am sunburnt.

Then we shopped around and geeked out over an antique store built in a studio loft apartment (I want to LIVE there, it was SO nice and attic-y), where I splurged and bought a pair of really nice white trousers. Then we decided to walk down by the Wharf and we shopped around some more until we came across Sunspots, the blown-glass studio below the Wharf. They were having an openhouse of sorts, which involved them blowing glass creations for anyone who wanted to watch. It was amazing. Glass-blowing is a skill I would very much like to learn sometime.

By the time we left Sunspots, it was storming and pouring down rain, so P. and I dashed up to campus through it! We were fairly well soaked by the time we reached campus, but we didn't care. There we parted ways and I walked back to my house through the drizzle. I put in a few hours studying my script, then decided to walk back downtown to grab a bagel and some chai from Coffee on the Corner, since it had become once more sunny and warm.

I spent the evening munching on my bagel in my room, reading my script, and watching "Love Actually", which made me feel far too sappy and gave me the near-irresistable urge to learn German. I read S.'s blog, then, and now I'm feeling a mite depressed.

For instance, today - instead of geeking around downtown Staunton - I could have been listening to Mozart's Requiem Mass and then going to a Spanish restaurant with Dr. A & co., where I would have drank sangria and eaten amazing Spanish food. I could have watched "Salome" and explored Vienna. I could have maybe seen B. Could have. Could have. Too many could haves.

Why do I never do the things I know I won't regret?

Back to Work We Go!

I'm back in VA now, awaiting wonderful things. Firstly, my new job is starting tonight - I'll be in charge of my very first choir practice, which should be interesting. But hey - it's all about the experience, right?

Today was also the first day of May term - or Play term, as it is often called here. I'm taking Problems in Production, and I'll be in the play, so it should be an interesting time. We'll be putting the whole thing up in about two weeks. (Excuse me please, while I panic justalittlebit.)

Hm. I kind of thought I was in the mood to write, but I guess I'm not. It's so nice outside that I think I'm going to sit out on the porch with a book until it's time to leave for choir.

Deus Ex Machina

I saw a play at the Lycoming College Theatre tonight - "Machina", it's called, and addresses the suppression of women - and indeed, of freedom of thought - in society. It was an excellent play, in a conceptual sense. The script was strong and I have to say, it's something that I would like to read at some point, assuming I can find a copy of the script somewhere.

In performance, it also had its strong points. Firstly, the acting was top-notch. It was impressive to watch the actors really lose themselves in their roles - both the ciphers and the one actual character. The one character - and there really was just one - there were points in the play during which she really sounded like River Tam, from Firefly. The disjointedness of her speech and the odd tangents she would set out on that were triggered by the most random words were just interesting to listen to. Kudos to the actress for her memorization skills.

The set was fascinating. Very spare and minimalist, and all metal. The chairs, the gates, the structure of the set - all metal bars. The technical director must have had a helluva time getting everything welded, because there was no way they could have ordered all of that. The light effects were also very striking, especially during the his-and-hers scenes. At one point it was green-light-go on the man and red-light-stop on the woman, and the woman eventually shifted to the green-light. Also, another scene there was a violent blue light on the man and an equally violent pink light on the woman. These sorts of lighting effects occurred throughout.

Now, that being said, I had a few criticisms. It's mostly nitpicky stuff that only another theatre person would really catch, but some of it is relevant to regular audiences. Firstly, the light grid was really high up and the audience seating, as well as the thrust stage platforms, were not moveable - I just didn't see a practical way for the techies to hang lights. Moreover, some of the light cords "tails" were left hanging down, which was just a little bit sloppy, I thought.

The pyrotechnics at the end didn't work very well, but pyrotechnics are always touch-and-go, so I don't really have any complaints. Just a note.

My biggest problem with the production was that the lead actress did not break character as soon as the lights came up for the curtain-call. Something I will always focus on is that you DROP the character as soon as the play is over. She didn't break character, though, and she still wasn't completely out of it when the actors walked off stage. That is dangerous. I cannot even begin to express how psychologically-damaging it is not to break character as soon as you can, especially when you're playing a role which requires you to lose so much of yourself.

That being said, it was a strong production. It was a very strong production and I enjoyed watching - it's something I would like to do someday, actually. But it could have been done even better.

The past few days at home have been very nice and peaceful. I've been gardening with Mom - and let me tell you, weeding the raspberry bed? Not fun. And I've been cooking a lot, too. I get tomorrow off, since Sawyer is making a roast, which I'm looking forward to. Monday, I'll make groundnut stew, I think.

Let the Choirs Ring Forth!

I got the job! I am now the choir director of the Third Presbyterian Church of Staunton! *dances* It's a wonderful opportunity and the pastor and elders who met with me are really nice - I'm going to enjoy working with them. It seems like a very similar place to the church I grew up in, so I'll feel right at home and I know exactly how to deal with the choir. I'm pretty sure KA didn't always know how to handle them, since she didn't grow up in this sort of church, but I think I have a fairly good idea of how to work with them so everyone gets along. I like knowing that I'm qualified to do a job, and to do it well.

I finished all of my exams and am now comfortably ensconced in the living room easy chair back in Watsontown, PA. Dad is sitting across from me with the paper and Mom will be home soon from Sisters in Faith. We are watching Monk, because Dad refuses to watch Third Rock From the Sun again. But ah well.

Found out just five minutes ago that my older sister and her fiance will be moving to Colorado this summer, for his graduate studies. I have mixed feelings - she's one of my very best friends, possibly my best friend, and I won't be able to visit her so easily now. (However, now visiting her means a cross-country trip out West, which should be the shit.) However, my first trip, should I choose to attempt it, will be a journey to Germany, methinks. I've been wanting to go for quite a while now, and now I have added incentive to go. :-)

Shameless Self-Pity

I've been posting a lot within the last few days, on the basis that I'm really just killing time between exams. At this point, I really can't study any more than I already have, and if I do, then I'm going to start doubting myself once I'm actually in an exam - and we don't want that, do we? Today I am taking US Foreign Policy, then I'm going to a job interview, then I'm taking Music Theory II. (I'm so not worried about Foreign Policy that it's scary. Music Theory II is what's freaking me out right now, actually. Once more, there IS a reason why I'm not a music major.)

I keep getting this feeling inside - like something is going to happen. I don't know what and I don't know when and I don't even have an idea of what it could be. But it's GOING to happen and it's GOING to be big.

I can't, of course, help wishing that magically within the next two days, someone will drop Dr. A. on the Vienna trip and say, "Shae, why don't you take my place? It's already paid up - why, of course you can pay me back in monthly installments for the rest of your life! No problem!" Because I would, because I want to go that much. I know I've already had my trip to Europe. I don't deserve any more than that - though I wish I could have gone for longer, or had the foresight to save until NOW - but I'd really just like to go.

I'm too restless. And wishes just don't come true. I shall be content.

Mrrrr?

This past week - well, more than a week, actually - has felt like a month. I keep flashing back to the beginning of the semester and thinking about how different it's been. Then, I hated that it felt like a week felt like a month. Now - well, I wish it had been longer, at least at some points. There are particular days that I wouldn't have minded stretching out over a good long time.

Time is a curious thing: It seems like so long ago that I started here at MBC - a short skinny redhead with a serious penchant for skinny geeks and a desperate need for knowledge of any sort. I was little and scared and younger than all of my friends. My hair was unfashionably short and my face was still a little round and my nose was like a little button covered in freckles. I wrote my very first essay when I got here - I had never needed to write one before English 102. I failed my first class - math, of course. I discovered, to my own astonishment, that I really was pretty good at that singing thing, if a little deficient where the technicalites were concerned.

Now, I'm still short, skinny, and once again a redhead. I still have that fairly serious penchant for skinny geeks and I still feel that thirst for knowledge. I'm still little and scared. But other things have changed. My hair has grown and my face is thin, because I don't have time to eat anymore, and I've finally grown into my nose. I'm getting better at writing good essays and can whip out a 10-page paper in two hours or less. I've come to care a little bit less about failing a class. I'm still good at that singing thing - worlds better than I was when I got here and one of the most advanced students at MBC. Maybe even the most advanced, now that KA is graduating. And I'm older than a lot of my friends now. They look up to me as someone who knows more than they do, who can fix things, who can take care of them.

I've discovered that I'm better at taking care of other people than I am at taking care of myself. I don't sleep enough, nor do I eat enough (in quantity or in frequency), nor do I stop working when I need to. Then again, I don't always work when I need to, so I suppose it evens out in the end.

I've been considering grad school again recently. It has become clear to me recently that I have a real gift for singing and acting. I'll never sing on Broadway, or do any show singing of that sort. I simply do not have that sort of voice. I'm a lyric soprano. I have an opera voice. I always will. So I've been giving some thought towards applying for opera programs once I've gotten some work experience under my belt. Grad school can't be all bad and a masters' degree looks darn good on a resume.

Distance Makes The Heart....?

I'm kind of sleepy right now, so this post may or may not be very coherent. Contributed to that is the fact that I just took my math exam and my brain feels a little abused because of that fact. This past weekend was very nice, apart from performing A LOT.

The Madrigals performance was on Friday night - it was our bi-annual Benefit Concert, this year for the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation, and Charm also sang with us. It was a good concert - not Charm's best, but they had their Jam coming up and they were also missing members. Only one of our Madrigals was vocally under-the-weather, and we weren't missing anyone, so we sounded quite good. It seems that Mads and Charm have this habit of one group being exactly right while the other group is lacking, and vice-versa. Someday (hopefully next semester) I'd like the groups to be evenly matched skill-wise, even though that's hard to gauge - our rep is very, very different, after all.

Anyway, the benefit went well. It was our final performance this year as a group and it was a little emotional. I directed the last song on the program, and it felt as though KA was passing the torch on to me, so to speak. It was appropriate, but very moving for me. (I also may be getting her choir directorship at Third Pres, so I feel like I'm inheriting KA's life, somehow.) Two of our pieces suit us very well and I hope we can carry them over to next semester: an arrangement of the "Kyrie" by Lotti that I just love the sound of; and "this is the garden" by Persichetti, which is an arrangment of a poem by e.e. cummings. Also, I want to bring back our one piece that we do with piano accompaniment: our Whittacker piece, "Rain O'er Rahoon", which I still love beyond any other piece we've ever done. (We only did it last year, so I doubt Ms. F. will allow it, but I've been begging to bring it back ever since we put it away.)

The Junior Recital went well, too. I sang my set of Hundley and I think it was the best I've ever performed it. First was "Sweet River", which was actually not my best piece in the set and it has been until this point. It's short and light and happy, but tricksy, and Ms. H. still doesn't quite have the accompaniment down - but I'm used to that by now, so it's okay. The middle piece was "Waterbird" which was by the far the best I've ever performed it. I actually felt it this time, since recent events have helped me to understand what it's about. There were tears in my eyes by the end, because it felt so GOOD - a first for that piece.

Now, the final piece was my real worry: "Lions". It's high in my voice, it's fast, it's complicated, and it requires not only an exemplary vocalist to pull it off, but an experienced actress, as well. To be honest, I really don't remember how I performed it. But I took it as high praise that the majority of people who spoke to me afterwards said it was their favorite piece in my set. :-) I'm fairly excited to perform this same set on my final recital next year, with maybe a piece added if I can convince Ms. F. to give me "Screw Spring". (And yes, the song is about what it sounds like it's about. Hundley is awesome. I want to marry him and have his babies.)

In any case, it was a performance heavy weekend and busy to boot, but I had a good time.

My Life As a Chick Flick

I am content. I am, in fact, beyond content. This day was... well. I won't bore you with details. I spent the day in DC with B. And it was indeed good. :-)

Also, I got cast in "Honour", which beyond thrilled me - even though I didn't think anything could possibly make this day better. I got the role I tried for, too - I'm playing Claudia (the "other woman"). She's completely different from anyone I've ever played before, so I'm fairly excited.

The only thing that made the day somewhat less than satisfactory is that I missed Madrigal rehearsal - and it was kind of an important one. (Though a niggly little voice is stating in the back of my brain that I could very well have stayed in DC longer, since I missed it in spite of my rushing off.) However, it was okay because Ms. F, M., and I all went out to dinner to discuss the group and various and sundry other things. We all ended up fairly giggly by the end of it - Ms. F. because of the wine she'd consumed, M. because she just gets that way, and me... well, it was a mixture of sheer exhaustion and elation at how well my day had turned out.

M. and Ms. F. spent a lot of the meal trying to convince me to stay in Staunton for the summer. I'm tempted - after all, I did make it into a (admittedly, relaxingly low-key role) in "Die Fledermaus" and I have a chance at a decent job at Stone Soup Books, which I would definitely not mind. However, I really do want to go to Camp Krislund this summer. I've been putting off applying, though, which is definitely not good.

Because, as much as I love my family, I am not enthusiastic about spending an entire summer with them again. I'm sorry, but no. Occasional weekends, so I can check on SEA and make sure SHSA is being good, but other than that? Mmmmno. I feel like a bad daughter, because Momma really does want me home - but I just can't.

Right. Now, it's off to sleep. I shall have good dreams this night, methinks.

Complications, Thy Name Is ALLEN

Dr. A. mistook the concert night. It's tomorrow, not tonight. Tomorrow evening, I have:

Madrigals - 4:15-5:30
Madrigals Direct-Off to Determine My New Assistant Director - 5:30-5:45
Repertoire Class With Ms. Flory's Studio - 5:45-?
Dress Rehearsal for S.'s Junior Recital (which I'm singing on) - 7:30

Needless to say, I will not be attending the concert nor will I be meeting Benjamin afterwards for a drink. I am distraught, upset, and entirely grumpy about the whole thing. And I'm feeling decidedly homicidal towards Dr. A. right now, though he was admittedly very sorry about his mistake.

However, a friend of mine just messaged me to say that he won a free weekend at Massanutten Resort and needs someone to go with him this weekend - if he doesn't mind me driving back and forth, I may just take him up on that. It made my day marginally better, though.

Here Comes The Sun

...doo doo doo doo... here comes the sun, and I say, "It's all right."

Because it is all right. It really, truly is. A few nights ago, we had a guest pianist on campus for our Broman Concert Series. His name is Benjamin Moser, and he is an internationally reknowned artist. We were VASTLY lucky to get him before he gets really famous. In any case, I had been on the fence about attending the concert, since I was a bit tired and also rather sickish. But, I was down on that side of campus anyway, so I decided to go. My friend R. and I sat in the front, because whenever I'm at a piano concert, I really do like to see their fingers and the way that they handle the keys.

(I'm a geek, yes.)

The program was.... earth-shattering. It was immense. I was in tears for half of it, because the music was so beautiful and indescribable and... just, wow. By the end, I was trembling with the enormity of it all. Now, anybody who really knows me also knows that music rarely (if ever!) touches me this way. That's one of the reasons why I don't study music full-time - I simply don't feel it in me the way other people do. Not only did it move me to tears (especially the piece Ondine by Ravel), but he was especially moved by Le Gibet, also by Ravel. It was astounding to me to see an instrumentalist so absolutely into his own music. I had never seen that before and it was very, very refreshing.

After the concert, I couldn't even move. I could barely breathe. I managed to stumble out into the hallway outside the concert hall to sit on the couch, but that was pretty much it. Dr. A. came out to talk to me about it and after noting my shellshocked state, he suggested that I speak to the artist himself, as everyone else in the audience was doing. I stammered about how I just couldn't, because I was babbling anyway and I would babble more if I spoke to him.

A little while later, I was still trying to will my limbs into movement, and Dr. A. led Benjamin Moser out to talk to me. We spoke for a while, and he was very nice, then he mentioned that he would be playing at the Kennedy Center in Washington DC and if I would accept his email address, then I could just email him to let him know whether or not I would like a free ticket.

To make a long story short, Dr. A. managed (through his various connections) to get a few other students tickets so it's not just me making the drive to DC, and we'll be heading up on Monday to see him. Benjamin and I have been in fairly constant communication since he left Staunton, and we'll be attending the reception after the concert and then going out for coffee afterwards.

Me? Excited? Nah. I'm on Cloud-fucking-NINE.

Because, did I mention? Benjamin is only 26 years old. :-D

A Time To Sleep...

It's difficult to really know how one stands in this world. How does one judge success? How does one judge failure? Is it really only a matter of whether or not you've met your goals, or does it go deeper than that? If you're successful in your own eyes, what does it matter to you if other people do not deem you to be successful?

I'm babbling.

I've been contemplating love again, mainly because I've had the opportunity to view so many happy couples this past weekend. They all have troubles, sure, but that doesn't keep them from seeking one another out in a room and wrapping their arms around each other casually - just to show that they're together. For a few of those couples, I know their troubles intimately, but that still doesn't keep them apart. Something holds them together somehow. I don't know what it is simply because I've never shared that bond, really.

Sure, I've had a brief taste - but only fleeting, and it didn't really last, did it? There are times I wonder what would have happened had it actually lasted. Especially recently. And yes, I am concentrating on not getting involved romantically with anyone, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it. The fact that I've never had a lengthy romantic attachment worries me. What if I'm simply not capable of committing to one person? I know that I'm young and I know that I have "my whole life ahead of me", but - things are different these days. Nearly everybody I know has had a lasting love in their life and I - well, I haven't.

Not that I've really helped my own case. After all, I have a horrible tendency to get nervous and blabby around somebody I do like and who I am attracted to; and when anybody else is there, I'm just fine and I can be myself. Unfortunately, this causes that other somebody to become attracted to me while I feel next to nothing for them. And before you say it, yes, I have attempted to form an attachment to them. That generally ends up with me fooling myself into thinking that there's something there, then suddenly realizing a few weeks (or months, if I'm feeling exceptionally dim) later that I feel absolutely no regard for them whatsoever and never will. Then they get hurt and I feel guilty - and it's just a dreadful cycle that I'm tired of repeating.

Anyway. The point is this: Someday, I would very much like to grow into love. I would like that love to stick around for a good long while. And I would like to it be a great love. I think I'm capable of that - and maybe I'm wrong, but should it be so wrong to try?

Reasons Why Being a Woman Sucks

1. We bleed out of an unmentionable orifice once a month - and if we don't, we get worried.

2. When we are not bleeding, we are worrying about not bleeding, waiting to bleed, or feeling relieved because we just finished bleeding.

3. We read double-meanings into everything even when there's barely even a single-meaning to read.

4. Even if we're sick, even if we're bleeding, even if we just want to collapse and die - we still feel this odd compulsion to nurture and make other things feel better.

5. There's this constant need to look nice all the time. To wear clothing that matches, a little bit of makeup, a pretty pair of earrings - even if you only rolled out of bed five minutes before and are barely awake enough to stand up, you're still squinting around to find the jeans that match that one top.

6. If a man gets around, then he's experienced. If a woman gets around, she's a slut. Even if women are making these judgement calls, they're still this way.

7. Men are distinguished when they go prematurely white. Women are just old.

8. If a woman wants to be in an established relationship, then she's clingy. If a man wants to be in an established relationship, then he's well-adjusted.

9. If a woman says no to sex, then she's frigid. If a man says no, he's human.

10. A woman can't be domestic, because that's demeaning. But if her living area is a mess, then she's a slob.

Yes, I'm ranting. It's upsetting to me, too, actually. However, I'm in a lot of pain and am extremely frustrated with the world in general, so at this point - well, I kind of want to be a man. Just for two weeks. I wonder if someday, scientists will come up for a way for me to do that.

Another One Bites The Dust....

...another bites the dust....and another one down and another down and another one bites the dust....

Went to see "King Lear" last night and was not disappointed. Our M.Litt students put on the production and some of the best actors in the program were in it. I was duly impressed and was not even overly distracted by the presence of the new director of said program, who is a genius and fairly cute, as well. Since it was performed at Blackfriar's, Roomie and I were the ultimate geeks/fangirls/excited by fight choreography and sat on the stage to watch.

From this I reaped audience participation bits - always fun, especially when the actor doing it is quite good friends with me - and a flower, bestowed upon me by the Insane King Lear. I recommend Blackfriar's highly. 'Tis a fun place to go.

This week will involve a lot of theatre - tonight is the opening of the one-acts called "Louisville", and Roomie convinced me to miss tomorrow night (she'll do front of house duties for me, since she knows how) to see 'The Witch', at Blackfriar's. I dislike shirking responsibility, but it's the last night and my favorite actor goes through the whole show sans shirt.

Yes, I am that shallow.

In any case, the theatre will be my life this weekend (surprise surprise, eh?) and I'm also going to be sending in my application to Camp Krislund this week. I need to figure out my summer and soon.

On a lighter note, I have my classes chosen for fall semester. Choral Conducting, Psychology as a Natural Science, Choir, Voice Diction for Theatre, Great Plays, Madrigals, and voice lessons. Oh, and Senior Project, which isn't actually a class, but will take up my life for the entire semester. I have yet to know what play it'll be, or whether I will be acting or doing stage makeup for my project. Acting is my first choice, of course, but who knows what could happen? Neither of the plays chosen may be good for me and I could possibly become horribly maimed pre-show and I could lose all of my acting ability suddenly and with no warning or.....

Well. So much for that lighter note. I am excited for the classes I'm taking, but am disappointed that I won't be able to take an anthroplogy class that looked fairly awesome. It interferes with Voice Diction for Theatre, unfortunately.

It also turns out that I may have a Real Job next semester. KA is graduating this year and leaving her choir directing post at a local church. They'll be looking for a replacement and I asked her to please mention my name - it's only two days a week and pays three hundred dollars a month. Which, when it comes down to it, that's a month's rent with an extra hundred for me to save/spend/use on useful things. So keep your fingers crossed for me.

Curiouser and Curiouser

So, I'm looking at a somewhat busy-ish weekend - and it's all things that I want to do. I mean, aside from homework - and even that's not so bad, apart from the paper I need to write for math class about a formula that I don't understand. I think if I fake it and go through the steps (and also look up the formula on Wikipedia, because an explanation is bound to be there), and be very very articulate, I should be fine.

In any case, tonight begins my lovely weekend. I'll be going to see Macbeth at Blackfriar's and I have it from several reliable sources that it's going to be excellent. Moreover, a friend of mine works there and gave me one of his many comp tickets - so I'm seeing it for free. Afterwards, I may or may not be attending a St. Patrick's Day party. It really depends upon my mood.

My roommate has recieved her two-disc DVD set of "Tin Man" and we are planning on spending tomorrow watching it and doing homework. I have two papers that I'd like to get done, along with some research for my thesis. And fic to write. Mustn't forget the important things, there. Consider that I will very likely get about half of that done. That evening, I will be attending a performance of "Spirit of Augusta" that P. kindly got me a ticket for. I will likely be spending the evening with P. Who knows?

On Sunday, Roomie and I are going to Monticello, since I have never been there. It's going to be quite lovely - we're going to make a day of it. We will go to Charlottesville, probably pack a picinic (or I may spring for lunch in the Historic Downtown section), and prowl about the grounds of Monticello. There may be pictures of our Day Out. When we get home, I intend to accomplish any work I didn't get done on Saturday, and add Music Theory homework/studying seventh chords to that list.

Today has been a good day. I forgot my cell phone charger at home, and I recieved it in the mail along with a funny old photo that Momma found of me as an infant. I'm wrapped up in a towel (I had to have been about 4-months old) post-bath and Momma is holding me. She's smiling and looking as thin as a stick, while I'm sticking my tongue out around a wide baby-grin. Ah yes, I have been doing that since I was an infant. Anyway, today has been a balmy 64 degrees fahrenheit, so it's t-shirt weather - the first day I've been able to go without a jacket all year! I love winter, but this is nice, too.

And now, for the best news of the day - I went to the business office on campus today to settle my debt to the school for next semester. My parents had given me a check to pay that and still have enough for a month's rent, so I was feeling well-equipped to pay it, if not eager to part with the money. Well, come to find out that I had exactly the right amount in credit on my school account to pay the fee and spare my own wallet - I don't know where the money came from, whether it was the remainder of my loan or work-study or some random fluke, but I was elated at the thought that I have money enough to pay rent for the rest of the semester and May Term.

I don't have to scrimp and save - I'm not going to spend willy-nilly, but I've got MONEY.

Nose to the Grindstone

Accomplishments of Spring Break:

1. Emmeline is a (not so happily, but healthily) spayed kitty. She was ultra-cuddly there towards the end of my visit - I think it was because she was afraid of being sent back to "the bad place" (ie. the vet).

2. I moved Stefan's bed to his room and the futon to my room.

3. I cleaned out most of my extraneous junk from my room AND cleaned out my closet, resulting in two large garbage bags of clothes for selling/donating/hand-me-downs.

4. Dyed my hair - it's auburn again, and it looks quite nice. Not TOO red, but it livened up the brown.

5. Watched "Fight Club" and got Momma addicted to "Firefly" quite successfully. I shall just add that Edward Norton is OMGGORGEOUS. I want to marry him and have his babies. Also, Nathan Fillion is dreamy like whoa.

6. Spent most of Friday driving around, reacclimating myself to the area. It was nice. I do miss PA when I'm down here.

7. Read several excellent books that I have been meaning to tackle for a while.

8. Cooked several excellent meals for my family.

9. Broke my favorite bra. (Please don't ask how one can break a bra. It can be done, and it's not half so interesting as you'd expect it to be.)

10. Got very annoyed with myself for not arranging the Simon and Garfunkel song for the Mads, not getting a start on my research paper, and not getting past a solid outline for my novel.

Break was not near long enough, regrettably.

A Huge Mental Sigh of Relief

I'm home. I'm home and I'm so glad. Exhaustion is not a pleasant feeling and right now, this week where I don't have anything to do but my own projects is a very nice relief from that exhaustion.

I am not joining the Army. I've made the decision to start taking out some more loans, and I'll get a job next year. For now, I am using my work study checks to pay rent and I'll look for some more scholarships.

I'm getting dental surgery in August. Whoopie.

Right now, my brain is teeming over with ideas that beg to be written down and elaborated upon before my brief hiatus from school is done. There's nothing left for my day-to-day log, really. Though this log really isn't a day-to-day log - more of a whenever-I-feel-like-it log.

I visited Grandmama today with Momma and the new pastor and his wife. She didn't know who I was, but she was very friendly because I think she felt she ought to know me. I introduced myself twice - the first time, I don't think "I'm your granddaughter" really penetrated, but the second time I said it (right before I left) she said, "Who do you belong to?" I replied, "Stephan", to which she said, "Does HE know that?"

And so we left, with Grandmama still under the impression that I am Dad's bastard child, even though we did try to correct her on that score. Regardless, it was a good visit and since I haven't seen Grandmama in a long while, it was nice to see that she is still more lucid than other patients in the ward. I brought her coffee and she drank most of it, which was certainly an encouraging sign. If Grandmama can drink her coffee, then she's still just fine, in spite of her senile dementia.

It's been a very nice break, all one day of it that I've had. Tomorrow, I've got to clean out my room in order to move the bed to S's room and to move the futon into my room - S can't sleep on the futon anymore, it's bad for him, and unfair that I get the bedroom with the bed and he gets the crappy futon.

In any case, now Firefly is on and I need to get writing!

But I Am Le Tired.....

So, I spoke with an ROTC representative on Friday. He answered a lot of my questions and what it comes down to is that the Army will pay for my senior year, but only in exchange for eight years of my life. It comes down to this:

1. Roughly $4500 to $5000 yearly, to be paid in monthly increments
2. $600 per semester for books
3. A uniform fund

All this will be paid to me in exchange for:
1. Eight years of my life
2. A summer of officer training
3. Training to become an Army chaplain (assuming I get into the program)
4. Four years of active duty (and if I'm a chaplain, anywhere I want), and four years of reserve.

So, I'm still debating. The money looks pretty sweet, and I'll have a retirement fund, AND I'll sort of be set up for life, AND they'll pay for whatever grad school I want to attend. BUT this is all assuming that I a.) live through the experience, and b.) feel like turning over EIGHT GODDAMN YEARS OF MY LIFE TO THE US ARMY. My alternative, at this point, is a shitload of loans. I have a few days to decide, so we'll see. I'm in contact with Major B., so if I have any more questions, I can ask him.

In other news, I'm working on another show. No, I'm not in it - I'm actually having a little bit of fun on this one. It's called "Side by Side" and it's a Sondheim revue (unfortunately written pre-Sweeney Todd). P. asked me to help him work lights, and I'm regretting saying yes JUST a tad - it will require me to stay here three days longer than I'd planned, which I didn't want to do. However, I'm having fun with it - I'm working follow spot, and I helped install/patch lights together. It's a good time and I like the people - P. is nice, as is the man running the other follow spot. Plus, it's a good show, so I'm enjoying watching it every night. The only unfortunate thing is that I have given over my entire weekend to the hanging of lights and now I am EXHAUSTED.

Friday night was S.'s birthday party and I had a BLAST. Note to self: Jagermeister+151=BAD THINGS. Seriously. And that is all.

Venty Vent Vent Vent

You know what one of the most aggravating things in the world is? When people don't talk to each other. For example - if you have a problem with me, I'd much appreciate being informed of that problem by you. Not the grapevine. I don't want to hear from a friend of a friend of a friend's mother's cousin' uncle's little sister's vague acquaintance's mutual friend that you've been saying some very uncomplimentary things behind my back.

The theatre is possibly the home of the bitchiest people in the world. I'm not pointing fingers, because I will openly admit that I am one of them. But during a show, I greatly dislike hearing bad things about people because it distracts me. So when somebody comes over to me and either tells me that someone has been talking about me, or that "so-and-so did so-and-such to that girl over there and OMFG can you believe it?!" I tend to get a little short-tempered. Unfortunately, the downfall to being in the middle of a show is that a great many bitchy people are gathered together in a very small place for great lengths of time, resulting in uber-bitchy behavior.

Which, let me tell you, is unfortunate. Most of the time, I love these people. I love this theatre. I've never actually lived with another theatre person before this semester, so when the theatre gossip follows me home, I tend to get impatient. When I'm at home, I just want to leave work at work - which is why I'm never, ever going to date another actor.

In other news, to top off this exceptionally pessimistic post, I learned last night that I didn't get the RA job I wanted to help me pay for school next year. I'm looking at my options and I've come down to two:

1. Prostitution/expensive call-girl
2. Army ROTC.

It's a bitch, this major o' mine. Please remind me - somebody, ANYBODY - why I do this?

Faceplant

....I fell on my face while iceskating. No, seriously. I was doing a lunge-glide, a move that I have not yet mastered due to my lack of flexibility, and my blade caught on the ice when the side of my skate should have been on the ice instead. I slid off-course and then lost my balance and slammed face-first into the ice.

Luckily, I didn't hit my nose, but I knocked my cheekbone and my chin pretty hard and I have a couple of shiny new bruises for my trouble. However - and yes, I am bragging - I am far ahead of the class's skill-level and have been asked by the coaches to please continue classes after this course is done, because I'm damn good. (Pleased? Me? Naw.)

In other news, the show run has gone well so far. I auditioned for the one-acts tonight (which irritates me, I dislike having auditions for another show mid-run), and it went fairly well. The actual show is exhausting, but rewarding. The whole cast is doing a good job. I'm no longer scared.

The other night, a very select group of us went to spend the evening following the show at the Southeringtons' house and most of us ended up staying until about 3:30am. It was wonderful. There was fun conversation and bitching about theatre in the area (as we do) and drinks flowed freely. I discovered some very useful information.

1. Frank likes me. And not in a creepy, skeezy way - I said something (I don't even remember what it was), and he looked at me with a big smile and said, "I like you. I don't know if I've said it, but I find you delightful." It made me happy.

2. He is determined that I reread "Tess of the D'Ubervilles", which I loathed when I read it at the tender age of fifteen. Frank studied Thomas Hardy intensively (he studied Hardy for his doctorate and did a very good - published - translation of "Jude the Obscure", which he insists I read after I'm done with "Tess") and disapproves a LOT of my sincere dislike of him. So we'll work on that.

3. I asked him very nicely to direct my senior project next year - we had a long, serious discussion over which play he wanted to direct, and he is thinking of "Miss Julie" by Strinberg, or something by Ibsen - I would love to do "A Doll's House", because Nora is fascinating. I wouldn't mind doing "Miss Julie", because of the creative effort that would be required, but I did dislike studying that play in "Modern Theatre" with Dr. Fran. (Then again, I disliked "The Cherry Orchard", too, and Frank changed my mind. So we'll see.)

4. Frank Southerington is my hero. I adore that man. The end.

So the night was fun and I had a great time. Frank gave me a ride home and when I told P.S. that he did the next day, he gave me an odd look (he had been there) and said, "I would've given you a ride, but you disappeared." Which I hadn't, but whatever. Frank is nicer than P.S. anyway, especially since he has no designs on me whatsoever.

Pissed Off? What?

It figures. It just frelling figures that the first time I get a real soprano lead, I GET SICK. Yes, my friends. Illness beckons me and my body is heeding its call. AGAIN. Why didn't I get sick over Christmas? Or right afterwards? WHY NOW????

In other news, fainting is weird. Discovered that tonight. Wholly unpleasant, really. Why in the world was it accepted practice in the good ol' days?

Our one lead, Dr. D has been missing rehearsals consistently. The past three nights (this included) he has been absent from rehearsal. We have run our duet and a trio involving him, me, and my male lead Alexis, ONCE. ONCE. WE OPEN ON FRIDAY. I HATE SHOW-BUSINESS.

And may I just state that no, my dear Musical Director, I will NOT be reaching full-voice when I HAVE BEEN PLACED ON VOCAL REST AND WILL LOSE MY VOICE IF I SING LOUDLY. Do we want me to have my voice on Friday? Yes, yes we do. And since I am at rehearsal with a fever and DOCTOR DALY is frelling home with a migraine for three days (I have no sympathy, if he wants my migraine drugs, he is more than welcome to them), I think we should be cutting me a little slack and just be happy that I am present and know my part.

Oh. I love Frank Southerington. That is all.

Whew. I, for one, feel better about myself.

Human Nature (And All That Jazz)

It's human nature, I suppose, to make mistakes. I think that I've made more than my fair share, especially this year. When I get tangled up in emotional matters, my automatic instinct is to fix what's wrong - and human nature never fails me: If the emotional matters belong to someone else, I can generally fix them or offer advice that will lead to them being fixed. If the emotional matters belong to me, however, I have the horrible tendency towards being unable to fix them - and making them worse, if that is even possible.

I won't offer examples; in part because this journal is public and I really don't like the idea of people I might not even know (or even people I know) reading about my personal matters and analyzing them to death - or laughing - and also because, well, they just don't need to be harped upon anymore. I've made a few decisions, though.

First of all, I've sent in my application to Colonial Williamsburg. We'll see how that goes - I'm sorely underqualified for the position I'm applying for, but they do offer training and if nothing else, I'm enthusiastic. But if I don't get the job, that's okay. I'm almost ready to go to Camp Krislund as a counselor. I miss Krislund and it would make for a fun summer - something which I haven't really had in a while, come to think of it.

Secondly, I need to give some serious thought to my post-graduate life. People keep asking me what I'm going to do with my theatre major and I have to keep replying that I JUST DON'T KNOW. It's kind of a pain in the ass. I'm pretty sure I won't be going to grad school - at least, not yet - but there's the whole conundrum of FINDING SOMETHING TO DO that kind of blows my mind.

Thirdly, there are emotional matters to consider. I stated in an earlier post that I was done with significant others until such a time as I felt I could handle them, which I still agree with. However, recent events have clued me into the fact that just maybe I need to be more vigilant when it comes to guarding against those complications. Okay. Not maybe. Definitely need to be more guarded.

I'm exhausted. I'm worn-out. I just want to be done with this show so that I can give my academics the attention that they deserve. This semester, it is my goal to get my GPA up to a 3.0 once more and I WILL succeed. I'm tired of feeling overwhelmed, and while that seems to be my natural state (22.5 credit hours will do that to you), I would like my natural state to turn into something a little bit more... relaxed, shall we say.

Signature Ball

More traditions were honored at Mary Baldwin College this past weekend - Signature Ball, our annual formal dance, occurred Saturday night from 10pm to 2am. I was shanghaied for the event - I told everyone I wouldn't go sans date, because what's the fun in going to a couples dance with no partner? - and two of my friends asked me to go with them, so I really didn't have a leg to stand on. So E. and I, and a largeish group of people attended the dance together.

I didn't intend upon staying any longer than an hour or so, because I didn't expect to have a very good time at all. But then S. and A. arrived with their dates - and a spare, who had been dragged along by Steph's date at the last minute. We sort of latched onto one another, since neither of us technically had dates, and we actually had a very good time together. I stayed until about 1:30 or so, then M. and I headed on to another party at J. and B.'s.

The rest of the evening I won't detail. I have only to say that only my luck would allow such a good night to go to pot. And I really can't think of any other way that I could have hurt more people that I love in one go - short of dropping an atom bomb on Staunton, that is.

Therapy Sessions

When I am exceptionally stressed, it is always a relief to know that I have Clinton to go to and vent. All of us do that, because he is always willing and ready to listen to us just ramble on about our lives. There are mornings that I just wander into his office and start talking at him - he's always concerned, and always wanting to know what the music department has done this time. I went in this morning to have one of these "therapy sessions" with him, because in the two weeks that the semester has been going on, it has felt like two months.

Yes. It's been that bad.

I don't know why Clinton likes us to go and vent our spleens on him. I've broken it down, trying to figure out how his mind works on this: My first idea is that he likes knowing everything about us. He likes to get into our brains and his god-complex makes him enjoy fiddling around and making things better. The second idea is that he just misses being a student. He's rather fresh out of grad-school and I think he might miss student life a little bit, so he likes listening to us and imparting the wisdom that he gained while he was a student. It helps that we all latched onto him so quickly - it's hard to believe that he arrived last year.

After I went in and vented to Clinton, I discovered that I had lost track of time and had missed US Foreign Policy - so, naturally, I decided to be a very good girl and read up on what I had missed. Not ten minutes later, I was dead to the world. I woke up underneath my friend E.'s coat and when I asked muzzily, "E, when did your coat happen?", she replied, "You looked cold. And you were cute."

According to several other sources, I'm cute when I sleep. I don't quite understand why (I was curled up in a little ball on the green room sofa with my head on my US Foreign Policy text, probably drooling or snoring or something), but apparently small and sleepy = cute. I'm really just tired because I'm worn-out from yesterday - I worked out (yes, with equipment and movement, etc) for the first time in ten years at 7 am yesterday. And I hurt. A LOT.

This whole "getting in shape" thing is due to a love I have had for a long time: Figure skating. I'm fulfilling my phys.ed. credit by taking an iceskating course, and come to find out I'm rather good at it. Good enough for the instructor to ask me if I'd like private lessons for a somewhat reduced rate after the six-week course is finished. It's a rather novel experience to be good at an actual sport, after spending all my life being the "artsy child". However, I'm not nearly flexible enough to be able to accomplish all of the moves I would like to do and so have decided to get back into shape. It's slow going and it hurts - a lot - but I think it might be worth it.

And someday, I might be able to do a backflip on the ice like Scott Hamilton. Wouldn't that just be awesome?

This entry has very little direction to it. I just felt in the mood to babble some more, as though I did not do enough of that earlier.

Writing: Fact or Fiction?

So, I was at work the other day writing on my order-pad because things were a little slow. Usually if I've got nothing else to do, I'll pull out my order pad and jot things down on a back-page - thoughts, ideas, plots, and sudden fancies that strike as they will when one has nothing to do but think. Anyway, many of the other servers generally ask me what I'm writing and if I'm writing a story - I generally just answer that I'm bored. I don't particularly want them to know what's going through my brain. It was exceptionally funny when M. asked me what I was writing, I told him that I was bored and just jotting down thoughts, and he said, "Finally! Somebody else who writes for pleasure!"

Is this so odd? People who write for pleasure are a rarity? Why, when it's so easy to just pick up a pen or sit down at your laptop, do people just choose not to write? I have to write. In order to clear my mind of the clutter - and to generally make room for the new clutter - I have to write down my thoughts and get rid of them. At least temporarily. Is it odd? I've been doing this since I was quite young - and gotten progressively better at it with age and practice - and I'll probably continue it all my life.

But anyway. In other news, the musical is progressing and I'm feeling exceptionally panicked. Not because I'm unprepared - I'm nearly off-book, and I have several days to go until I actually need to have hit that point - but because I'm just nervous. Never have I played such a key role in a plot. Never have I sang such high notes by myself in front of people. Never have I kissed two men in one play - which should be interesting and I really need to ask B. to chew gum or something, because he chain-smokes like nobody's business and that's all he tastes like. I'm nervous because this is uncharted territory and I'm simply not used to it. I'm a little freaked out by it all - it's not just that this is uncharted territory, either. It's that they're trusting me with it.

It sort of blows my mind a little.

It's bitterly cold here, which makes my late-nights somewhat unpleasant when I have to walk back to the house. However, when the night's so clear and cold that it cuts at your eyes just to have them open, it really makes it worth it to see all those stars in the black. So as I struggle into my big wool coat and dress in layers like my life depends on it, I just think of the stars.

The Academic Life for Me!

The new semester has begun and many things have changed. I'll go down the list, shall I?

1. I have moved back to Staunton. I'll miss living with L&J, but it's a relief not to be commuting anymore. Right now I'm living with Shea and her mother in the most beautiful house in the world just below the campus. And, to be honest, I like having a live-in mother. She never nags, but her presence reminds me to work. Mebbe all those years of homeschooling affected my work-ethic in that respect....

2. Shea and I cannot decide whether we are the best roommates in the world, or the worst roommates. We have a bad tendency to stay awake until 3am not doing any work, but talking and plotting out our own little universes. Fun, but a little counter-productive.

3. I'm writing to get published. My goal is to be published by the end of the semester. No, I'm not stating what I'm writing or even giving you the ability to read it. So there. I will say that this is a plausible goal. Just trust me. Also, I'll be getting paid.

4. Unfortunately, working at Cracker Barrel has not changed. My single consolation is that I will be done with it by the end of the semester. That is when I will give my notice. Because, if all goes well, I'll be an RA next year and will not NEED an outside job.

5. I'm starring as Aline, the soprano lead, in "The Sorcerer". This freaks me out a lot, so we're not going to go there, eh?

6. I love learning about American politics far more than I ever thought I would. My US Presidency class is delightful, especially since we're in the midst of the Primaries right now, and I even find US Foreign Policy intruiging - or, I would if Dr. B weren't so pedantic. At least the text is interesting.

7. My pre-graduation panic has already begun, and I have almost three semester left. Is this normal? Perhaps it is because of my very unreliable major that I am feeling this way. Maybe I should have majored in something practical, like accounting. (In other news, John McCain pays his accountants a fortune. I mean, damn.)

8. Speaking of mathematics, I have high hopes of passing College Algebra this semester. I won't pass by a good margin, but I'm pretty sure I'll pass. And since I've p/nc'd the course, no matter what grade I get, it won't effect my GPA. Yay!

9. I hate that I have to write a thesis. Well, I hate my senior project more, but the thesis is right up there. I have to start on that over the summer. Oh bliss.

10. In personal news, my sister got her new leg. It's called a C-Leg (yes, bad pun) and it's not hard plastic - it's squishy. And it has a remote-control that she uses to lock the knee whenever she stands in one place for a long time - and yes, she does have a tendency to lose remote-controls and I have considered stealing it whenever I get PO'd at her.

11. I'm officially staying away from all things male, except in a platonic sense. I simply don't have time for nonsense - and to be honest, any of those who have approached me have only spoken nonsense. Is it bad when the only thing I want to do is pat them on the head and send them on their way with a cookie? In any case, I'm glad my temporary boy-craziness seems to have left. (And just watch - now that I've said this, someone I actually would give the time of day to is going to show up and I'll be absolutely lost. That seems to be the way of it.)

12. Employment at Williamsburg for the summer may very well be a "go". Why yes, I am excited. Why do you ask?

I think that's all for now. More, I suppose, if I think of it.

Unsurprising

Which sci-fi crew would you best fit in with? (pics) created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Serenity (Firefly) You like to live your own way and don't enjoy when anyone but a friend tries to tell you should do different. Now if only the Reavers would quit trying to skin you. Serenity (Firefly) 94% Babylon 5 (Babylon 5) 81% Deep Space Nine (Star Trek) 81% Moya (Farscape) 75% Galactica (Battlestar: Galactica) 75% Heart of Gold (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) 69% Millennium Falcon (Star Wars) 69% Bebop (Cowboy Bebop) 63% SG-1 (Stargate) 56% FBI's X-Files Division (The X-Files) 50% Enterprise D (Star Trek) 50% Nebuchadnezzar (The Matrix) 38% Andromeda Ascendant (Andromeda) 25%