A Time To Sleep...

It's difficult to really know how one stands in this world. How does one judge success? How does one judge failure? Is it really only a matter of whether or not you've met your goals, or does it go deeper than that? If you're successful in your own eyes, what does it matter to you if other people do not deem you to be successful?

I'm babbling.

I've been contemplating love again, mainly because I've had the opportunity to view so many happy couples this past weekend. They all have troubles, sure, but that doesn't keep them from seeking one another out in a room and wrapping their arms around each other casually - just to show that they're together. For a few of those couples, I know their troubles intimately, but that still doesn't keep them apart. Something holds them together somehow. I don't know what it is simply because I've never shared that bond, really.

Sure, I've had a brief taste - but only fleeting, and it didn't really last, did it? There are times I wonder what would have happened had it actually lasted. Especially recently. And yes, I am concentrating on not getting involved romantically with anyone, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it. The fact that I've never had a lengthy romantic attachment worries me. What if I'm simply not capable of committing to one person? I know that I'm young and I know that I have "my whole life ahead of me", but - things are different these days. Nearly everybody I know has had a lasting love in their life and I - well, I haven't.

Not that I've really helped my own case. After all, I have a horrible tendency to get nervous and blabby around somebody I do like and who I am attracted to; and when anybody else is there, I'm just fine and I can be myself. Unfortunately, this causes that other somebody to become attracted to me while I feel next to nothing for them. And before you say it, yes, I have attempted to form an attachment to them. That generally ends up with me fooling myself into thinking that there's something there, then suddenly realizing a few weeks (or months, if I'm feeling exceptionally dim) later that I feel absolutely no regard for them whatsoever and never will. Then they get hurt and I feel guilty - and it's just a dreadful cycle that I'm tired of repeating.

Anyway. The point is this: Someday, I would very much like to grow into love. I would like that love to stick around for a good long while. And I would like to it be a great love. I think I'm capable of that - and maybe I'm wrong, but should it be so wrong to try?