Is it wrong to work your ass off on your senior thesis (which is required for graduation), then be nervous about it until after you've defended it to a committee and gotten distinction? And THEN, is it wrong to want to go straight home and spend a relaxing couple of days exclusively with your family, watching TV, vegging out, and writing that 10-page play analysis of "She Stoops to Conquer" for your Great Plays exam, which is due by 2:00 Friday?
IS THIS WRONG???
I should be feeling triumphant and relieved and maybe a little bit on edge about getting that paper done. How come I had to spend 45 minutes last night arguing with my boyfriend about whether or not I'm a good girlfriend? How come I had to narrowly circumvent being broken up with right there with a trial-run second chance? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING AFTER I DODGED THE NOT-GRADUATING BULLET??? I've been paying (in scholarships, loans, and out-of-pocket money) $30,000 per year for three years, and HE WONDERS WHY I CAN'T SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON HIM???? What the fuck? What. The. Fuck.
I'm a little frustrated. I should be living in "you accomplished a huge thing and you should be proud" land. Instead, I'm living in "is this even worth it when he's being a jerk" land, and I don't appreciate it.
And yes, I do realize I've been busy and stressed and not able to spend much time on my boyfriend, especially since I live 4 1/2 hours away from him on a regular basis. But I don't even get to talk to my PARENTS as much as I talk to him and he STILL isn't happy!!
Also, there's the part where when I visit him on Friday, he's going to want to get physical and I AM HONESTLY NOT IN THE MOOD RIGHT NOW. Something about him being a jerk and him pushing to get physical even when I'm not in the mood that just makes me want to push him away. I really don't know what to do. It wasn't long ago that I was able to imagine spending the rest of my life with him, and now I'm just trying to imagine the next month with him. If it's going to be as unpleasant as it currently is, I'm not sure if I see the point. I don't like feeling like a bad person, and I know that I was right to concentrate on my own graduation rather than my romantic attachments. So why am I letting him make me feel like I was wrong?
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3 comments:
Your senior thesis is already finished? Congratulations! (I had assumed it'd be a two semester long thing.) I'll admit some surprise that She Stoops To Conquer would be in a Great Plays course, but your professors doubtlessly know best.
(And don't worry about the whole relationship thing. You're bound to run into a couple of rough patches now and then; besides, who knows what sort of stresses he's under that might be making him act this way?)
Why does nobody like She Stoops? I just don't get it - I find it entertaining.
Also, thanks! It's two separate parts, actually. Fall semester is senior project with thesis, then spring semester is senior seminar with presentation and weekly meetings with other senior theatre majors. It's a whole big year long thing.
(Also, thanks. I'm trying to get perspective. Also, it doesn't help that the weather's going to be bad tomorrow, so he's going to be somewhat not-thrilled about my parents not allowing me to drive to State College through the snow.)
It's ok, just not that awesome. (Then again, I read it immediately after The Country Wife and A School for Scandal, which do pretty much the same thing only better.)
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