Real Life? What?

Right. Well. I've been such a royal pain in the ass the past few days that I'm even pissing ME off. I can't stop missing Hemingway, and that makes me grumpy, which in turn pisses me off, which in turn sends on a downward-spiral into Unhappy Land. And that makes Hemingway unhappy, since there is very little he can do about the situation and it's only going to get worse before it gets better. On top of which, I've started my period. It's reassuring that I have not somehow conceived a babe in my womb during the past month, but that's really the only bright side to the situation. Hemingway was adorable about it, but I was too pissy to be grateful that he stayed up past 2AM with me talking me through a horrendous bout of cramps. All he wanted to do was make it better, and all I could do was snap at him and sulk a lot.

Why yes. I am irrational. Surprised? No?

On top of which, things are a little rough here in College Land. Classes are just fine, don't get me wrong. And my friends are lovely (and slightly impatient with me at the moment, here's why): I was in love with P for three years. P was not in love with me because he wouldn't let himself. It caused a lot of emotional strain on MY end and we were on-again, off-again for that length of time because I would get strong and break it off, then weaken my resolve and get back together with him. In any case, apparently P has been doing some emotional growth of his own this summer - enough so that he was A.) Going to ask me to give it another go, for serious this time, and B.) Going to give me the key to his apartment, because C.) He's gone and fallen in love with me. I do not lie and yes my life is beginning to sound like a bad chick flick or a Lifetime Original Movie.

Naturally, I was displeased (to say the least) at this news, mainly because I was hoping to come back to College Land and be happy platonic buddies with P. Boy, was there something off with THAT equation. Meanwhile, I am happily in love with Hemingway, who happens to be NOT emotionally constipated and who happens to allow himself to love me back - and he says so. Frequently. It's a nice change from the past, let me tell YOU.

So, here I am. In College Land. With P, who I no longer love. And without Hemingway, who I want to marry and make babies with at some point. Which brings us back to my Grumpy Place, which is not NEARLY so much fun as my Happy Place. To round all of this out, P wants to start spending more time with me, while Hemingway is in his OWN College Land feeling progressively more angry about the fact that I'm spending more time with my ex than I am with him - EVEN THOUGH THAT IS NOT REALLY SOMETHING THAT IS TOO DIFFICULT AT THIS POINT.

The situation stands as thus: I am in College Land. P is with me in College Land wanting to hang out this weekend. Hemingway is currently on his way to Syracuse to watch a flippin' FOOTBALL GAME (and to spend time with his friends who he doesn't often see, which I will grudgingly admit is good for him BUT WHY NOT SOME OTHER WEEKEND?? LIKE WHEN I AM OTHERWISE OCCUPIED AND NOT MOPING BECAUSE I HAVE TO WAIT ONE MORE WEEK TO SEE MY BOYFRIEND). Hemingway being in Syracuse causes me to be grumpy and sulky and generally on the verge of tears because he did not throw caution and money to the winds to visit me instead - WHICH I KNOW IS IRRATIONAL BUT WHATEVER I AM ON MY PERIOD OKAY?

It is not helping my state of mind that the aforementioned ex wants to spend time with me and is actively pursuing spending time with me on the particular weekend that I would much rather be spending time with Hemingway. I am hurting and unhappy and bleeding and I really just want my boyfriend to cuddle me for a while. In my brain, I know that next week is not far away - but at this point, next week feels like too late, you know? Because I'm not going to need him next week the same way I need him this week, just like I don't need him this week the same way I needed him last week. It might look confusing, but it makes sense to me.

Also, just as a closing thought - "Love Actually" is a bad movie to watch when your boyfriend is NOT QUITE GETTING IT. All of those men who are absolutely focused on getting to their lady love before it is too late.... bah humbug. Such fiction.