It's difficult to really know how one stands in this world. How does one judge success? How does one judge failure? Is it really only a matter of whether or not you've met your goals, or does it go deeper than that? If you're successful in your own eyes, what does it matter to you if other people do not deem you to be successful?
I'm babbling.
I've been contemplating love again, mainly because I've had the opportunity to view so many happy couples this past weekend. They all have troubles, sure, but that doesn't keep them from seeking one another out in a room and wrapping their arms around each other casually - just to show that they're together. For a few of those couples, I know their troubles intimately, but that still doesn't keep them apart. Something holds them together somehow. I don't know what it is simply because I've never shared that bond, really.
Sure, I've had a brief taste - but only fleeting, and it didn't really last, did it? There are times I wonder what would have happened had it actually lasted. Especially recently. And yes, I am concentrating on not getting involved romantically with anyone, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it. The fact that I've never had a lengthy romantic attachment worries me. What if I'm simply not capable of committing to one person? I know that I'm young and I know that I have "my whole life ahead of me", but - things are different these days. Nearly everybody I know has had a lasting love in their life and I - well, I haven't.
Not that I've really helped my own case. After all, I have a horrible tendency to get nervous and blabby around somebody I do like and who I am attracted to; and when anybody else is there, I'm just fine and I can be myself. Unfortunately, this causes that other somebody to become attracted to me while I feel next to nothing for them. And before you say it, yes, I have attempted to form an attachment to them. That generally ends up with me fooling myself into thinking that there's something there, then suddenly realizing a few weeks (or months, if I'm feeling exceptionally dim) later that I feel absolutely no regard for them whatsoever and never will. Then they get hurt and I feel guilty - and it's just a dreadful cycle that I'm tired of repeating.
Anyway. The point is this: Someday, I would very much like to grow into love. I would like that love to stick around for a good long while. And I would like to it be a great love. I think I'm capable of that - and maybe I'm wrong, but should it be so wrong to try?
Monday, March 31, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
Reasons Why Being a Woman Sucks
1. We bleed out of an unmentionable orifice once a month - and if we don't, we get worried.
2. When we are not bleeding, we are worrying about not bleeding, waiting to bleed, or feeling relieved because we just finished bleeding.
3. We read double-meanings into everything even when there's barely even a single-meaning to read.
4. Even if we're sick, even if we're bleeding, even if we just want to collapse and die - we still feel this odd compulsion to nurture and make other things feel better.
5. There's this constant need to look nice all the time. To wear clothing that matches, a little bit of makeup, a pretty pair of earrings - even if you only rolled out of bed five minutes before and are barely awake enough to stand up, you're still squinting around to find the jeans that match that one top.
6. If a man gets around, then he's experienced. If a woman gets around, she's a slut. Even if women are making these judgement calls, they're still this way.
7. Men are distinguished when they go prematurely white. Women are just old.
8. If a woman wants to be in an established relationship, then she's clingy. If a man wants to be in an established relationship, then he's well-adjusted.
9. If a woman says no to sex, then she's frigid. If a man says no, he's human.
10. A woman can't be domestic, because that's demeaning. But if her living area is a mess, then she's a slob.
Yes, I'm ranting. It's upsetting to me, too, actually. However, I'm in a lot of pain and am extremely frustrated with the world in general, so at this point - well, I kind of want to be a man. Just for two weeks. I wonder if someday, scientists will come up for a way for me to do that.
2. When we are not bleeding, we are worrying about not bleeding, waiting to bleed, or feeling relieved because we just finished bleeding.
3. We read double-meanings into everything even when there's barely even a single-meaning to read.
4. Even if we're sick, even if we're bleeding, even if we just want to collapse and die - we still feel this odd compulsion to nurture and make other things feel better.
5. There's this constant need to look nice all the time. To wear clothing that matches, a little bit of makeup, a pretty pair of earrings - even if you only rolled out of bed five minutes before and are barely awake enough to stand up, you're still squinting around to find the jeans that match that one top.
6. If a man gets around, then he's experienced. If a woman gets around, she's a slut. Even if women are making these judgement calls, they're still this way.
7. Men are distinguished when they go prematurely white. Women are just old.
8. If a woman wants to be in an established relationship, then she's clingy. If a man wants to be in an established relationship, then he's well-adjusted.
9. If a woman says no to sex, then she's frigid. If a man says no, he's human.
10. A woman can't be domestic, because that's demeaning. But if her living area is a mess, then she's a slob.
Yes, I'm ranting. It's upsetting to me, too, actually. However, I'm in a lot of pain and am extremely frustrated with the world in general, so at this point - well, I kind of want to be a man. Just for two weeks. I wonder if someday, scientists will come up for a way for me to do that.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Another One Bites The Dust....
...another bites the dust....and another one down and another down and another one bites the dust....
Went to see "King Lear" last night and was not disappointed. Our M.Litt students put on the production and some of the best actors in the program were in it. I was duly impressed and was not even overly distracted by the presence of the new director of said program, who is a genius and fairly cute, as well. Since it was performed at Blackfriar's, Roomie and I were the ultimate geeks/fangirls/excited by fight choreography and sat on the stage to watch.
From this I reaped audience participation bits - always fun, especially when the actor doing it is quite good friends with me - and a flower, bestowed upon me by the Insane King Lear. I recommend Blackfriar's highly. 'Tis a fun place to go.
This week will involve a lot of theatre - tonight is the opening of the one-acts called "Louisville", and Roomie convinced me to miss tomorrow night (she'll do front of house duties for me, since she knows how) to see 'The Witch', at Blackfriar's. I dislike shirking responsibility, but it's the last night and my favorite actor goes through the whole show sans shirt.
Yes, I am that shallow.
In any case, the theatre will be my life this weekend (surprise surprise, eh?) and I'm also going to be sending in my application to Camp Krislund this week. I need to figure out my summer and soon.
On a lighter note, I have my classes chosen for fall semester. Choral Conducting, Psychology as a Natural Science, Choir, Voice Diction for Theatre, Great Plays, Madrigals, and voice lessons. Oh, and Senior Project, which isn't actually a class, but will take up my life for the entire semester. I have yet to know what play it'll be, or whether I will be acting or doing stage makeup for my project. Acting is my first choice, of course, but who knows what could happen? Neither of the plays chosen may be good for me and I could possibly become horribly maimed pre-show and I could lose all of my acting ability suddenly and with no warning or.....
Well. So much for that lighter note. I am excited for the classes I'm taking, but am disappointed that I won't be able to take an anthroplogy class that looked fairly awesome. It interferes with Voice Diction for Theatre, unfortunately.
It also turns out that I may have a Real Job next semester. KA is graduating this year and leaving her choir directing post at a local church. They'll be looking for a replacement and I asked her to please mention my name - it's only two days a week and pays three hundred dollars a month. Which, when it comes down to it, that's a month's rent with an extra hundred for me to save/spend/use on useful things. So keep your fingers crossed for me.
Went to see "King Lear" last night and was not disappointed. Our M.Litt students put on the production and some of the best actors in the program were in it. I was duly impressed and was not even overly distracted by the presence of the new director of said program, who is a genius and fairly cute, as well. Since it was performed at Blackfriar's, Roomie and I were the ultimate geeks/fangirls/excited by fight choreography and sat on the stage to watch.
From this I reaped audience participation bits - always fun, especially when the actor doing it is quite good friends with me - and a flower, bestowed upon me by the Insane King Lear. I recommend Blackfriar's highly. 'Tis a fun place to go.
This week will involve a lot of theatre - tonight is the opening of the one-acts called "Louisville", and Roomie convinced me to miss tomorrow night (she'll do front of house duties for me, since she knows how) to see 'The Witch', at Blackfriar's. I dislike shirking responsibility, but it's the last night and my favorite actor goes through the whole show sans shirt.
Yes, I am that shallow.
In any case, the theatre will be my life this weekend (surprise surprise, eh?) and I'm also going to be sending in my application to Camp Krislund this week. I need to figure out my summer and soon.
On a lighter note, I have my classes chosen for fall semester. Choral Conducting, Psychology as a Natural Science, Choir, Voice Diction for Theatre, Great Plays, Madrigals, and voice lessons. Oh, and Senior Project, which isn't actually a class, but will take up my life for the entire semester. I have yet to know what play it'll be, or whether I will be acting or doing stage makeup for my project. Acting is my first choice, of course, but who knows what could happen? Neither of the plays chosen may be good for me and I could possibly become horribly maimed pre-show and I could lose all of my acting ability suddenly and with no warning or.....
Well. So much for that lighter note. I am excited for the classes I'm taking, but am disappointed that I won't be able to take an anthroplogy class that looked fairly awesome. It interferes with Voice Diction for Theatre, unfortunately.
It also turns out that I may have a Real Job next semester. KA is graduating this year and leaving her choir directing post at a local church. They'll be looking for a replacement and I asked her to please mention my name - it's only two days a week and pays three hundred dollars a month. Which, when it comes down to it, that's a month's rent with an extra hundred for me to save/spend/use on useful things. So keep your fingers crossed for me.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Curiouser and Curiouser
So, I'm looking at a somewhat busy-ish weekend - and it's all things that I want to do. I mean, aside from homework - and even that's not so bad, apart from the paper I need to write for math class about a formula that I don't understand. I think if I fake it and go through the steps (and also look up the formula on Wikipedia, because an explanation is bound to be there), and be very very articulate, I should be fine.
In any case, tonight begins my lovely weekend. I'll be going to see Macbeth at Blackfriar's and I have it from several reliable sources that it's going to be excellent. Moreover, a friend of mine works there and gave me one of his many comp tickets - so I'm seeing it for free. Afterwards, I may or may not be attending a St. Patrick's Day party. It really depends upon my mood.
My roommate has recieved her two-disc DVD set of "Tin Man" and we are planning on spending tomorrow watching it and doing homework. I have two papers that I'd like to get done, along with some research for my thesis. And fic to write. Mustn't forget the important things, there. Consider that I will very likely get about half of that done. That evening, I will be attending a performance of "Spirit of Augusta" that P. kindly got me a ticket for. I will likely be spending the evening with P. Who knows?
On Sunday, Roomie and I are going to Monticello, since I have never been there. It's going to be quite lovely - we're going to make a day of it. We will go to Charlottesville, probably pack a picinic (or I may spring for lunch in the Historic Downtown section), and prowl about the grounds of Monticello. There may be pictures of our Day Out. When we get home, I intend to accomplish any work I didn't get done on Saturday, and add Music Theory homework/studying seventh chords to that list.
Today has been a good day. I forgot my cell phone charger at home, and I recieved it in the mail along with a funny old photo that Momma found of me as an infant. I'm wrapped up in a towel (I had to have been about 4-months old) post-bath and Momma is holding me. She's smiling and looking as thin as a stick, while I'm sticking my tongue out around a wide baby-grin. Ah yes, I have been doing that since I was an infant. Anyway, today has been a balmy 64 degrees fahrenheit, so it's t-shirt weather - the first day I've been able to go without a jacket all year! I love winter, but this is nice, too.
And now, for the best news of the day - I went to the business office on campus today to settle my debt to the school for next semester. My parents had given me a check to pay that and still have enough for a month's rent, so I was feeling well-equipped to pay it, if not eager to part with the money. Well, come to find out that I had exactly the right amount in credit on my school account to pay the fee and spare my own wallet - I don't know where the money came from, whether it was the remainder of my loan or work-study or some random fluke, but I was elated at the thought that I have money enough to pay rent for the rest of the semester and May Term.
I don't have to scrimp and save - I'm not going to spend willy-nilly, but I've got MONEY.
In any case, tonight begins my lovely weekend. I'll be going to see Macbeth at Blackfriar's and I have it from several reliable sources that it's going to be excellent. Moreover, a friend of mine works there and gave me one of his many comp tickets - so I'm seeing it for free. Afterwards, I may or may not be attending a St. Patrick's Day party. It really depends upon my mood.
My roommate has recieved her two-disc DVD set of "Tin Man" and we are planning on spending tomorrow watching it and doing homework. I have two papers that I'd like to get done, along with some research for my thesis. And fic to write. Mustn't forget the important things, there. Consider that I will very likely get about half of that done. That evening, I will be attending a performance of "Spirit of Augusta" that P. kindly got me a ticket for. I will likely be spending the evening with P. Who knows?
On Sunday, Roomie and I are going to Monticello, since I have never been there. It's going to be quite lovely - we're going to make a day of it. We will go to Charlottesville, probably pack a picinic (or I may spring for lunch in the Historic Downtown section), and prowl about the grounds of Monticello. There may be pictures of our Day Out. When we get home, I intend to accomplish any work I didn't get done on Saturday, and add Music Theory homework/studying seventh chords to that list.
Today has been a good day. I forgot my cell phone charger at home, and I recieved it in the mail along with a funny old photo that Momma found of me as an infant. I'm wrapped up in a towel (I had to have been about 4-months old) post-bath and Momma is holding me. She's smiling and looking as thin as a stick, while I'm sticking my tongue out around a wide baby-grin. Ah yes, I have been doing that since I was an infant. Anyway, today has been a balmy 64 degrees fahrenheit, so it's t-shirt weather - the first day I've been able to go without a jacket all year! I love winter, but this is nice, too.
And now, for the best news of the day - I went to the business office on campus today to settle my debt to the school for next semester. My parents had given me a check to pay that and still have enough for a month's rent, so I was feeling well-equipped to pay it, if not eager to part with the money. Well, come to find out that I had exactly the right amount in credit on my school account to pay the fee and spare my own wallet - I don't know where the money came from, whether it was the remainder of my loan or work-study or some random fluke, but I was elated at the thought that I have money enough to pay rent for the rest of the semester and May Term.
I don't have to scrimp and save - I'm not going to spend willy-nilly, but I've got MONEY.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Nose to the Grindstone
Accomplishments of Spring Break:
1. Emmeline is a (not so happily, but healthily) spayed kitty. She was ultra-cuddly there towards the end of my visit - I think it was because she was afraid of being sent back to "the bad place" (ie. the vet).
2. I moved Stefan's bed to his room and the futon to my room.
3. I cleaned out most of my extraneous junk from my room AND cleaned out my closet, resulting in two large garbage bags of clothes for selling/donating/hand-me-downs.
4. Dyed my hair - it's auburn again, and it looks quite nice. Not TOO red, but it livened up the brown.
5. Watched "Fight Club" and got Momma addicted to "Firefly" quite successfully. I shall just add that Edward Norton is OMGGORGEOUS. I want to marry him and have his babies. Also, Nathan Fillion is dreamy like whoa.
6. Spent most of Friday driving around, reacclimating myself to the area. It was nice. I do miss PA when I'm down here.
7. Read several excellent books that I have been meaning to tackle for a while.
8. Cooked several excellent meals for my family.
9. Broke my favorite bra. (Please don't ask how one can break a bra. It can be done, and it's not half so interesting as you'd expect it to be.)
10. Got very annoyed with myself for not arranging the Simon and Garfunkel song for the Mads, not getting a start on my research paper, and not getting past a solid outline for my novel.
Break was not near long enough, regrettably.
1. Emmeline is a (not so happily, but healthily) spayed kitty. She was ultra-cuddly there towards the end of my visit - I think it was because she was afraid of being sent back to "the bad place" (ie. the vet).
2. I moved Stefan's bed to his room and the futon to my room.
3. I cleaned out most of my extraneous junk from my room AND cleaned out my closet, resulting in two large garbage bags of clothes for selling/donating/hand-me-downs.
4. Dyed my hair - it's auburn again, and it looks quite nice. Not TOO red, but it livened up the brown.
5. Watched "Fight Club" and got Momma addicted to "Firefly" quite successfully. I shall just add that Edward Norton is OMGGORGEOUS. I want to marry him and have his babies. Also, Nathan Fillion is dreamy like whoa.
6. Spent most of Friday driving around, reacclimating myself to the area. It was nice. I do miss PA when I'm down here.
7. Read several excellent books that I have been meaning to tackle for a while.
8. Cooked several excellent meals for my family.
9. Broke my favorite bra. (Please don't ask how one can break a bra. It can be done, and it's not half so interesting as you'd expect it to be.)
10. Got very annoyed with myself for not arranging the Simon and Garfunkel song for the Mads, not getting a start on my research paper, and not getting past a solid outline for my novel.
Break was not near long enough, regrettably.
Monday, March 3, 2008
A Huge Mental Sigh of Relief
I'm home. I'm home and I'm so glad. Exhaustion is not a pleasant feeling and right now, this week where I don't have anything to do but my own projects is a very nice relief from that exhaustion.
I am not joining the Army. I've made the decision to start taking out some more loans, and I'll get a job next year. For now, I am using my work study checks to pay rent and I'll look for some more scholarships.
I'm getting dental surgery in August. Whoopie.
Right now, my brain is teeming over with ideas that beg to be written down and elaborated upon before my brief hiatus from school is done. There's nothing left for my day-to-day log, really. Though this log really isn't a day-to-day log - more of a whenever-I-feel-like-it log.
I visited Grandmama today with Momma and the new pastor and his wife. She didn't know who I was, but she was very friendly because I think she felt she ought to know me. I introduced myself twice - the first time, I don't think "I'm your granddaughter" really penetrated, but the second time I said it (right before I left) she said, "Who do you belong to?" I replied, "Stephan", to which she said, "Does HE know that?"
And so we left, with Grandmama still under the impression that I am Dad's bastard child, even though we did try to correct her on that score. Regardless, it was a good visit and since I haven't seen Grandmama in a long while, it was nice to see that she is still more lucid than other patients in the ward. I brought her coffee and she drank most of it, which was certainly an encouraging sign. If Grandmama can drink her coffee, then she's still just fine, in spite of her senile dementia.
It's been a very nice break, all one day of it that I've had. Tomorrow, I've got to clean out my room in order to move the bed to S's room and to move the futon into my room - S can't sleep on the futon anymore, it's bad for him, and unfair that I get the bedroom with the bed and he gets the crappy futon.
In any case, now Firefly is on and I need to get writing!
I am not joining the Army. I've made the decision to start taking out some more loans, and I'll get a job next year. For now, I am using my work study checks to pay rent and I'll look for some more scholarships.
I'm getting dental surgery in August. Whoopie.
Right now, my brain is teeming over with ideas that beg to be written down and elaborated upon before my brief hiatus from school is done. There's nothing left for my day-to-day log, really. Though this log really isn't a day-to-day log - more of a whenever-I-feel-like-it log.
I visited Grandmama today with Momma and the new pastor and his wife. She didn't know who I was, but she was very friendly because I think she felt she ought to know me. I introduced myself twice - the first time, I don't think "I'm your granddaughter" really penetrated, but the second time I said it (right before I left) she said, "Who do you belong to?" I replied, "Stephan", to which she said, "Does HE know that?"
And so we left, with Grandmama still under the impression that I am Dad's bastard child, even though we did try to correct her on that score. Regardless, it was a good visit and since I haven't seen Grandmama in a long while, it was nice to see that she is still more lucid than other patients in the ward. I brought her coffee and she drank most of it, which was certainly an encouraging sign. If Grandmama can drink her coffee, then she's still just fine, in spite of her senile dementia.
It's been a very nice break, all one day of it that I've had. Tomorrow, I've got to clean out my room in order to move the bed to S's room and to move the futon into my room - S can't sleep on the futon anymore, it's bad for him, and unfair that I get the bedroom with the bed and he gets the crappy futon.
In any case, now Firefly is on and I need to get writing!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)