So, in two hours I will be 21 years of age. Weird. I'm not really feeling writing that much this evening, but I just wanted to say two things: 1.) This weekend is going to BITE, and 2.) I'm spending my birthday evening when I should be getting sloshed getting fitted for my nun's habit. WTF?
That is all.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Real Life? What?
Right. Well. I've been such a royal pain in the ass the past few days that I'm even pissing ME off. I can't stop missing Hemingway, and that makes me grumpy, which in turn pisses me off, which in turn sends on a downward-spiral into Unhappy Land. And that makes Hemingway unhappy, since there is very little he can do about the situation and it's only going to get worse before it gets better. On top of which, I've started my period. It's reassuring that I have not somehow conceived a babe in my womb during the past month, but that's really the only bright side to the situation. Hemingway was adorable about it, but I was too pissy to be grateful that he stayed up past 2AM with me talking me through a horrendous bout of cramps. All he wanted to do was make it better, and all I could do was snap at him and sulk a lot.
Why yes. I am irrational. Surprised? No?
On top of which, things are a little rough here in College Land. Classes are just fine, don't get me wrong. And my friends are lovely (and slightly impatient with me at the moment, here's why): I was in love with P for three years. P was not in love with me because he wouldn't let himself. It caused a lot of emotional strain on MY end and we were on-again, off-again for that length of time because I would get strong and break it off, then weaken my resolve and get back together with him. In any case, apparently P has been doing some emotional growth of his own this summer - enough so that he was A.) Going to ask me to give it another go, for serious this time, and B.) Going to give me the key to his apartment, because C.) He's gone and fallen in love with me. I do not lie and yes my life is beginning to sound like a bad chick flick or a Lifetime Original Movie.
Naturally, I was displeased (to say the least) at this news, mainly because I was hoping to come back to College Land and be happy platonic buddies with P. Boy, was there something off with THAT equation. Meanwhile, I am happily in love with Hemingway, who happens to be NOT emotionally constipated and who happens to allow himself to love me back - and he says so. Frequently. It's a nice change from the past, let me tell YOU.
So, here I am. In College Land. With P, who I no longer love. And without Hemingway, who I want to marry and make babies with at some point. Which brings us back to my Grumpy Place, which is not NEARLY so much fun as my Happy Place. To round all of this out, P wants to start spending more time with me, while Hemingway is in his OWN College Land feeling progressively more angry about the fact that I'm spending more time with my ex than I am with him - EVEN THOUGH THAT IS NOT REALLY SOMETHING THAT IS TOO DIFFICULT AT THIS POINT.
The situation stands as thus: I am in College Land. P is with me in College Land wanting to hang out this weekend. Hemingway is currently on his way to Syracuse to watch a flippin' FOOTBALL GAME (and to spend time with his friends who he doesn't often see, which I will grudgingly admit is good for him BUT WHY NOT SOME OTHER WEEKEND?? LIKE WHEN I AM OTHERWISE OCCUPIED AND NOT MOPING BECAUSE I HAVE TO WAIT ONE MORE WEEK TO SEE MY BOYFRIEND). Hemingway being in Syracuse causes me to be grumpy and sulky and generally on the verge of tears because he did not throw caution and money to the winds to visit me instead - WHICH I KNOW IS IRRATIONAL BUT WHATEVER I AM ON MY PERIOD OKAY?
It is not helping my state of mind that the aforementioned ex wants to spend time with me and is actively pursuing spending time with me on the particular weekend that I would much rather be spending time with Hemingway. I am hurting and unhappy and bleeding and I really just want my boyfriend to cuddle me for a while. In my brain, I know that next week is not far away - but at this point, next week feels like too late, you know? Because I'm not going to need him next week the same way I need him this week, just like I don't need him this week the same way I needed him last week. It might look confusing, but it makes sense to me.
Also, just as a closing thought - "Love Actually" is a bad movie to watch when your boyfriend is NOT QUITE GETTING IT. All of those men who are absolutely focused on getting to their lady love before it is too late.... bah humbug. Such fiction.
Why yes. I am irrational. Surprised? No?
On top of which, things are a little rough here in College Land. Classes are just fine, don't get me wrong. And my friends are lovely (and slightly impatient with me at the moment, here's why): I was in love with P for three years. P was not in love with me because he wouldn't let himself. It caused a lot of emotional strain on MY end and we were on-again, off-again for that length of time because I would get strong and break it off, then weaken my resolve and get back together with him. In any case, apparently P has been doing some emotional growth of his own this summer - enough so that he was A.) Going to ask me to give it another go, for serious this time, and B.) Going to give me the key to his apartment, because C.) He's gone and fallen in love with me. I do not lie and yes my life is beginning to sound like a bad chick flick or a Lifetime Original Movie.
Naturally, I was displeased (to say the least) at this news, mainly because I was hoping to come back to College Land and be happy platonic buddies with P. Boy, was there something off with THAT equation. Meanwhile, I am happily in love with Hemingway, who happens to be NOT emotionally constipated and who happens to allow himself to love me back - and he says so. Frequently. It's a nice change from the past, let me tell YOU.
So, here I am. In College Land. With P, who I no longer love. And without Hemingway, who I want to marry and make babies with at some point. Which brings us back to my Grumpy Place, which is not NEARLY so much fun as my Happy Place. To round all of this out, P wants to start spending more time with me, while Hemingway is in his OWN College Land feeling progressively more angry about the fact that I'm spending more time with my ex than I am with him - EVEN THOUGH THAT IS NOT REALLY SOMETHING THAT IS TOO DIFFICULT AT THIS POINT.
The situation stands as thus: I am in College Land. P is with me in College Land wanting to hang out this weekend. Hemingway is currently on his way to Syracuse to watch a flippin' FOOTBALL GAME (and to spend time with his friends who he doesn't often see, which I will grudgingly admit is good for him BUT WHY NOT SOME OTHER WEEKEND?? LIKE WHEN I AM OTHERWISE OCCUPIED AND NOT MOPING BECAUSE I HAVE TO WAIT ONE MORE WEEK TO SEE MY BOYFRIEND). Hemingway being in Syracuse causes me to be grumpy and sulky and generally on the verge of tears because he did not throw caution and money to the winds to visit me instead - WHICH I KNOW IS IRRATIONAL BUT WHATEVER I AM ON MY PERIOD OKAY?
It is not helping my state of mind that the aforementioned ex wants to spend time with me and is actively pursuing spending time with me on the particular weekend that I would much rather be spending time with Hemingway. I am hurting and unhappy and bleeding and I really just want my boyfriend to cuddle me for a while. In my brain, I know that next week is not far away - but at this point, next week feels like too late, you know? Because I'm not going to need him next week the same way I need him this week, just like I don't need him this week the same way I needed him last week. It might look confusing, but it makes sense to me.
Also, just as a closing thought - "Love Actually" is a bad movie to watch when your boyfriend is NOT QUITE GETTING IT. All of those men who are absolutely focused on getting to their lady love before it is too late.... bah humbug. Such fiction.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Insanity? Thy name is ME
So. Here comes the part where I make everyone aware of exactly how crackers I am. Currently, I am in State College. Doesn't sound so odd, does it? Well, when you bring into account the fact that not 8 hours ago I was in VA....
Here's what happened. I was sitting in my room, chatting on the phone with Hemingway when I came to the sudden realization that I MISSED him. And also that I didn't REALLY need to be at church on Sunday, since we don't have choir for another week. (Yes, aren't I smart?) So, I said, "I really want to see you. You have no idea how close I am to just jumping in the car and..."
And then it hit me. I COULD just jump in the car and drive up. There was nothing stopping me. No commitments, no life-threatening emergencies, no lack of resources.... I was free and clear. I could DO it. I gave myself time to think rationally about it during my meeting with Ms. F., but swiftly came to a decision.
So, here I am. He cooked me pasta. I got a massage. There were smoochies. It's been a pretty damn fantastic evening. And the best part? We're together.
In other news, I have this cough that just won't go away. And auditions on Monday. Woo. Note my excitement.
Here's what happened. I was sitting in my room, chatting on the phone with Hemingway when I came to the sudden realization that I MISSED him. And also that I didn't REALLY need to be at church on Sunday, since we don't have choir for another week. (Yes, aren't I smart?) So, I said, "I really want to see you. You have no idea how close I am to just jumping in the car and..."
And then it hit me. I COULD just jump in the car and drive up. There was nothing stopping me. No commitments, no life-threatening emergencies, no lack of resources.... I was free and clear. I could DO it. I gave myself time to think rationally about it during my meeting with Ms. F., but swiftly came to a decision.
So, here I am. He cooked me pasta. I got a massage. There were smoochies. It's been a pretty damn fantastic evening. And the best part? We're together.
In other news, I have this cough that just won't go away. And auditions on Monday. Woo. Note my excitement.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Long Time Coming
Well. I still live, I promise. It's been such a busy time - nine weeks minus technology or Buffy or a real bed. I've learned how to belay really well (I am more than capable of suspending someone three times my own size on a climbing wall safely), I've learned how to make kids behave (Why? Because I told you. And it builds character.), and I've visited Penn's Cave more times than anyone rightly should (This is a rock chasing a rock over a rock, dammit!).
It's been tough. I didn't think I would be required to think so much, but I was. Practical problem solving, philosophical debate, human relation issues, my own problems that came up to bite me in the butt a few times... Really, you name it. I got a lot of reading done - when you are deprived of reading time, you learn to fit it in and then you learn to devour what you can get. I didn't write very much and I was a bad music student for not studying my music. Actually, I probably abused my voice a lot and I'll have some extreme catching-up to do and vocal pampering to do come this semester just to compensate. My voice teacher will be displeased.
Due to some recent events, I really don't feel like going back to school. I mean, I want to continue on to my senior year. It's going to be an exciting, busy, stressful time. I have a real apartment now, with two awesome flat mates, and I'll be accomplishing my senior project. I have a kickass class schedule that, if I can keep up with it, I'll enjoy a lot. Also, I look really good - my hair, for once, continues to behave admirably well. I haven't lost weight, so much, but only because muscle weighs more than fat and I am now in excellent shape. It's going to be a good year... as soon as I get up the guts to go back down to Virginia.
Believe it or not, I'm really enjoying myself here. A lot. In spite of my sore wisdom-toothless jaw. I need to get some cleaning done now. More posting later - now that I'm back in Internet land, I'm trying to get back to my old blogging habits.
It's been tough. I didn't think I would be required to think so much, but I was. Practical problem solving, philosophical debate, human relation issues, my own problems that came up to bite me in the butt a few times... Really, you name it. I got a lot of reading done - when you are deprived of reading time, you learn to fit it in and then you learn to devour what you can get. I didn't write very much and I was a bad music student for not studying my music. Actually, I probably abused my voice a lot and I'll have some extreme catching-up to do and vocal pampering to do come this semester just to compensate. My voice teacher will be displeased.
Due to some recent events, I really don't feel like going back to school. I mean, I want to continue on to my senior year. It's going to be an exciting, busy, stressful time. I have a real apartment now, with two awesome flat mates, and I'll be accomplishing my senior project. I have a kickass class schedule that, if I can keep up with it, I'll enjoy a lot. Also, I look really good - my hair, for once, continues to behave admirably well. I haven't lost weight, so much, but only because muscle weighs more than fat and I am now in excellent shape. It's going to be a good year... as soon as I get up the guts to go back down to Virginia.
Believe it or not, I'm really enjoying myself here. A lot. In spite of my sore wisdom-toothless jaw. I need to get some cleaning done now. More posting later - now that I'm back in Internet land, I'm trying to get back to my old blogging habits.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Good/Not So Good
Good Things:
Supper smells divine. Chicken with lemon and onion, grilled asparagus, and salad.
Camp in a few days!!!
I'm relaxed.
Still writing.
I have gotten lots accomplished.
Not So Good Things:
Once more, my fertility is making itself obnoxiously obvious.
Packing is boring.
I'm writing rubbish!
Slowly remembering I can't bring my laptop to camp.
One Rather Dreadful Thing:
I need bifocals. And they're a stronger prescription than my mother's.
Supper smells divine. Chicken with lemon and onion, grilled asparagus, and salad.
Camp in a few days!!!
I'm relaxed.
Still writing.
I have gotten lots accomplished.
Not So Good Things:
Once more, my fertility is making itself obnoxiously obvious.
Packing is boring.
I'm writing rubbish!
Slowly remembering I can't bring my laptop to camp.
One Rather Dreadful Thing:
I need bifocals. And they're a stronger prescription than my mother's.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Relaxation?
An active mind is a horrible thing to waste. I'm bored. The upshot is that I write more when I'm bored - I've written oodles, none of it remotely decent, but it felt good to banish it from my brain. I've also managed to addict my mother and two of my darling siblings to Buffy the Vampire-Slayer, so I've been able to monopolize the television.
...I'm a very, very bad person. I am well-aware and accepting of that fact. :-D
However, I have gotten quite a lot done, writing-wise. Cooking-wise, too. Momma's been taking advantage of my cooking skills once more and I like doing it - mainly because that means generally, I don't have to do the dishes afterwards. Last night, I invented a meal that was quite lovely. My sister was visiting, so she showed me how to make these Thai potato pancakes (don't ask, I didn't and I'm happier for it) with an excellent dipping sauce. With those, I threw some chicken in the oven slathered in lemon juice, spices and herbs I picked fresh from the garden and minced up, and onion. It was so good. We also had salad, which I admittedly didn't eat - but the rest was excellent. I love experimental cooking. Tomorrow I may bake bread.
On Wednesday, I have an eye-doctor appointment - Dad wants me checked to see if I need new glasses, because my headaches have been becoming more frequent and that generally means I need a stronger prescription. Also, he wants my hearing checked before I go back to school in the fall - the deafness has gotten a little bit worse recently, which is mildly irritating.
I'm excited for camp! We were supposed to start on the 1st, but due to some scheduling interestingness, we had our training scooted to the 8th, which gives me an extra week at home to goof around. Some friends of mine who I went to camp with as a teenager are going to be there and I haven't seen any of them in ages - we've all been getting back in contact and it'll be like a big Teepee reunion! (Yes, we slept in teepees, and yes, that's how we spelled it. Get over it. Teeps '03 rule!)
In any case, soon I will be living in the woods with very very limited access to Internet. Also, I think I get cell phone reception in two places at the camp. However, I'm excited. I can still get to my email during office hours and I'm going to see old friends and I don't have to talk to people! My inner-hermit is rejoicing. I'll be the stoic, silent counselor who is marvelously supportive but in a... quiet way.
Ah yes. And then pigs shall fly.
...I'm a very, very bad person. I am well-aware and accepting of that fact. :-D
However, I have gotten quite a lot done, writing-wise. Cooking-wise, too. Momma's been taking advantage of my cooking skills once more and I like doing it - mainly because that means generally, I don't have to do the dishes afterwards. Last night, I invented a meal that was quite lovely. My sister was visiting, so she showed me how to make these Thai potato pancakes (don't ask, I didn't and I'm happier for it) with an excellent dipping sauce. With those, I threw some chicken in the oven slathered in lemon juice, spices and herbs I picked fresh from the garden and minced up, and onion. It was so good. We also had salad, which I admittedly didn't eat - but the rest was excellent. I love experimental cooking. Tomorrow I may bake bread.
On Wednesday, I have an eye-doctor appointment - Dad wants me checked to see if I need new glasses, because my headaches have been becoming more frequent and that generally means I need a stronger prescription. Also, he wants my hearing checked before I go back to school in the fall - the deafness has gotten a little bit worse recently, which is mildly irritating.
I'm excited for camp! We were supposed to start on the 1st, but due to some scheduling interestingness, we had our training scooted to the 8th, which gives me an extra week at home to goof around. Some friends of mine who I went to camp with as a teenager are going to be there and I haven't seen any of them in ages - we've all been getting back in contact and it'll be like a big Teepee reunion! (Yes, we slept in teepees, and yes, that's how we spelled it. Get over it. Teeps '03 rule!)
In any case, soon I will be living in the woods with very very limited access to Internet. Also, I think I get cell phone reception in two places at the camp. However, I'm excited. I can still get to my email during office hours and I'm going to see old friends and I don't have to talk to people! My inner-hermit is rejoicing. I'll be the stoic, silent counselor who is marvelously supportive but in a... quiet way.
Ah yes. And then pigs shall fly.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Lists Are Good Things, Yes?
It's been a fairly eventful week or so (however long it's been since I've posted), so I'll highlight the basics in list-form, as is my wont. Here goes:
1. "Honour" went excessively well. For all that we had two weeks to rehearse, we did a kickass job and I'm so proud of the finished product. As an actress, I grew. I grew as a person, too - having to understand the show and how my character worked within it was a cathartic experience. Also, le stalker only showed up once and I fled the scene before he could talk to me. Yes, I am a coward. But a smart one, yes?
2. I have a job at Camp Krislund. I start my training on the 1st and I'm really excited for it. I'm a senior counselor. :-D
3. I'm back in Pennsylvania now and I have two weeks to just relax and enrich my brain. And also read Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfiction.
4. In case you hadn't gotten the gist from above, I have developed an unhealthy addiction to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Or, more specifically, to Giles - my bespectacled, British, tweedy, geeky, and entirely kickass favorite character. Were he real, I would marry him.
5. I participated in a voice masterclass last week and - well, to say the least, it went very well. The woman giving the masterclass was so impressed with my voice that she has offered me her spare room in her apartment in NYC while she sets me up for auditions. I would be auditioning for people who would give me grants and scholarships, and also for the Metropolitan Opera's Young Artist Program. Hopefully, all of this will involve international study and eventually a spot at the Met. (Top artists at the Met get paid $15,000 per performance. Just imagine.) All of this will occur next year. I'm to call to set things up in October.
6. I haven't been sleeping much these past few weeks. Right after S. got sick the first time, I started getting bad nightmares - the strongest theme running through these nightmares was an unholy sense of helplessness. I would wake in a terror and then not sleep for the rest of the night. The nightmares had gone away and I thought it was just a fluke - but now they're back, and I can't figure out what the trigger is. It's driving me a little bit nuts. I'm tired - exhausted, really, and I need to get rest before camp.
There. That's been the past week or however long it's been. Ups and downs - but happily, mostly ups!
1. "Honour" went excessively well. For all that we had two weeks to rehearse, we did a kickass job and I'm so proud of the finished product. As an actress, I grew. I grew as a person, too - having to understand the show and how my character worked within it was a cathartic experience. Also, le stalker only showed up once and I fled the scene before he could talk to me. Yes, I am a coward. But a smart one, yes?
2. I have a job at Camp Krislund. I start my training on the 1st and I'm really excited for it. I'm a senior counselor. :-D
3. I'm back in Pennsylvania now and I have two weeks to just relax and enrich my brain. And also read Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfiction.
4. In case you hadn't gotten the gist from above, I have developed an unhealthy addiction to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Or, more specifically, to Giles - my bespectacled, British, tweedy, geeky, and entirely kickass favorite character. Were he real, I would marry him.
5. I participated in a voice masterclass last week and - well, to say the least, it went very well. The woman giving the masterclass was so impressed with my voice that she has offered me her spare room in her apartment in NYC while she sets me up for auditions. I would be auditioning for people who would give me grants and scholarships, and also for the Metropolitan Opera's Young Artist Program. Hopefully, all of this will involve international study and eventually a spot at the Met. (Top artists at the Met get paid $15,000 per performance. Just imagine.) All of this will occur next year. I'm to call to set things up in October.
6. I haven't been sleeping much these past few weeks. Right after S. got sick the first time, I started getting bad nightmares - the strongest theme running through these nightmares was an unholy sense of helplessness. I would wake in a terror and then not sleep for the rest of the night. The nightmares had gone away and I thought it was just a fluke - but now they're back, and I can't figure out what the trigger is. It's driving me a little bit nuts. I'm tired - exhausted, really, and I need to get rest before camp.
There. That's been the past week or however long it's been. Ups and downs - but happily, mostly ups!
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