Oddly Blank

I think Hemingway and I just broke up. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Self-Centered?

Is it wrong to work your ass off on your senior thesis (which is required for graduation), then be nervous about it until after you've defended it to a committee and gotten distinction? And THEN, is it wrong to want to go straight home and spend a relaxing couple of days exclusively with your family, watching TV, vegging out, and writing that 10-page play analysis of "She Stoops to Conquer" for your Great Plays exam, which is due by 2:00 Friday?

IS THIS WRONG???

I should be feeling triumphant and relieved and maybe a little bit on edge about getting that paper done. How come I had to spend 45 minutes last night arguing with my boyfriend about whether or not I'm a good girlfriend? How come I had to narrowly circumvent being broken up with right there with a trial-run second chance? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING AFTER I DODGED THE NOT-GRADUATING BULLET??? I've been paying (in scholarships, loans, and out-of-pocket money) $30,000 per year for three years, and HE WONDERS WHY I CAN'T SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON HIM???? What the fuck? What. The. Fuck.

I'm a little frustrated. I should be living in "you accomplished a huge thing and you should be proud" land. Instead, I'm living in "is this even worth it when he's being a jerk" land, and I don't appreciate it.

And yes, I do realize I've been busy and stressed and not able to spend much time on my boyfriend, especially since I live 4 1/2 hours away from him on a regular basis. But I don't even get to talk to my PARENTS as much as I talk to him and he STILL isn't happy!!

Also, there's the part where when I visit him on Friday, he's going to want to get physical and I AM HONESTLY NOT IN THE MOOD RIGHT NOW. Something about him being a jerk and him pushing to get physical even when I'm not in the mood that just makes me want to push him away. I really don't know what to do. It wasn't long ago that I was able to imagine spending the rest of my life with him, and now I'm just trying to imagine the next month with him. If it's going to be as unpleasant as it currently is, I'm not sure if I see the point. I don't like feeling like a bad person, and I know that I was right to concentrate on my own graduation rather than my romantic attachments. So why am I letting him make me feel like I was wrong?

Long Time Coming

Oh my. It's been such a long time since I last posted that I almost forgot that I have a blog. Well, in the land of Me, this is how things are going.

1.) Life with Hemingway is a little rough, because of the distance (natch), but otherwise good. He'll be visiting this weekend, which leads me into...

2.) ...Senior Project Land! Which is why I haven't been posting much. The problem with being a theatre major with an acting emphasis is that I only have three weeks in which to accomplish my senior project, which is essentially a thesis with a shitload of verbatim memorization on top of it (because, obviously, I need to memorize the script I'm acting from). The only bright spot was when I described the project to my sister over the phone and then told her that I have to defend my project to a committee, she finally began to take me seriously. SHE didn't have to write a thesis. SHE only had to do a Capstone paper. Trust me to choose the only school in the world that requires undergrads to to a thesis. I should've gone to Lycoming.

3.) Apartment-Land was okay until this morning, when I discovered that one of my roommate's cats threw up in my shoe. My expensive Born sneaker that I bought so I would have everyday shoes that don't fall apart. She and I will be having a discussion about this later. The other roommate and I are both anti-cat within the apartment, because these cats are spoiled and not very well-behaved. See also, one of them throws up on a regular basis. That cannot be healthy.

4.) Thanksgiving Break is next week!!! And I just found out that two of my afternoon classes are cancelled on Tuesday, so I may not have to leave reallyreally late after all. I may be able to leave after Dr. Fran's class, where we will have hopefully gotten all the way to Hamlet in our discussions. I say this with enormous optimism - and now we have to spend less time talking about Faustus, which I object to on principle. I LIKE Faustus and I'm bored with Hamlet. Bonus: I may get home in time to watch evening TV with my parents, which is fun because they understand that I like to make fun of things while watching.

5.) I have discovered what I am making everyone for Christmas. This is the first year EVER that I've known what to get Dad for Christmas.

6.) No access to Internet in my apartment makes me grumpy. It makes me grumpier to know that my roommate (the one with the cats) is in charge of that and she won't offer me any solutions except, "Well, the password I made up works on MY computer." I know what I'm doing. I know how to work wireless. I even went to CIS on campus to ask for advice and they said I was right - so listen to me and contact the provider to get the REAL password. Oy.

7.) Which means that if I want to work on my project, I have to lug my laptop to campus to set-up, which irks me. I realize it's more portable than a PC, but it's still a big laptop and rather heavy. And the bag is awkward to carry, too. Mrr.

I think that's all for now. I may come back with another update later while I'm procrastinating, but I don't know. For now I'm off and now it's going to be opening night for my senior project. (Also known as "Communicating Doors", a murder-mystery/farce/comedy/time-travel play. Yes, it does sound fun, doesn't it?

All Growed Up?

So, in two hours I will be 21 years of age. Weird. I'm not really feeling writing that much this evening, but I just wanted to say two things: 1.) This weekend is going to BITE, and 2.) I'm spending my birthday evening when I should be getting sloshed getting fitted for my nun's habit. WTF?

That is all.

Real Life? What?

Right. Well. I've been such a royal pain in the ass the past few days that I'm even pissing ME off. I can't stop missing Hemingway, and that makes me grumpy, which in turn pisses me off, which in turn sends on a downward-spiral into Unhappy Land. And that makes Hemingway unhappy, since there is very little he can do about the situation and it's only going to get worse before it gets better. On top of which, I've started my period. It's reassuring that I have not somehow conceived a babe in my womb during the past month, but that's really the only bright side to the situation. Hemingway was adorable about it, but I was too pissy to be grateful that he stayed up past 2AM with me talking me through a horrendous bout of cramps. All he wanted to do was make it better, and all I could do was snap at him and sulk a lot.

Why yes. I am irrational. Surprised? No?

On top of which, things are a little rough here in College Land. Classes are just fine, don't get me wrong. And my friends are lovely (and slightly impatient with me at the moment, here's why): I was in love with P for three years. P was not in love with me because he wouldn't let himself. It caused a lot of emotional strain on MY end and we were on-again, off-again for that length of time because I would get strong and break it off, then weaken my resolve and get back together with him. In any case, apparently P has been doing some emotional growth of his own this summer - enough so that he was A.) Going to ask me to give it another go, for serious this time, and B.) Going to give me the key to his apartment, because C.) He's gone and fallen in love with me. I do not lie and yes my life is beginning to sound like a bad chick flick or a Lifetime Original Movie.

Naturally, I was displeased (to say the least) at this news, mainly because I was hoping to come back to College Land and be happy platonic buddies with P. Boy, was there something off with THAT equation. Meanwhile, I am happily in love with Hemingway, who happens to be NOT emotionally constipated and who happens to allow himself to love me back - and he says so. Frequently. It's a nice change from the past, let me tell YOU.

So, here I am. In College Land. With P, who I no longer love. And without Hemingway, who I want to marry and make babies with at some point. Which brings us back to my Grumpy Place, which is not NEARLY so much fun as my Happy Place. To round all of this out, P wants to start spending more time with me, while Hemingway is in his OWN College Land feeling progressively more angry about the fact that I'm spending more time with my ex than I am with him - EVEN THOUGH THAT IS NOT REALLY SOMETHING THAT IS TOO DIFFICULT AT THIS POINT.

The situation stands as thus: I am in College Land. P is with me in College Land wanting to hang out this weekend. Hemingway is currently on his way to Syracuse to watch a flippin' FOOTBALL GAME (and to spend time with his friends who he doesn't often see, which I will grudgingly admit is good for him BUT WHY NOT SOME OTHER WEEKEND?? LIKE WHEN I AM OTHERWISE OCCUPIED AND NOT MOPING BECAUSE I HAVE TO WAIT ONE MORE WEEK TO SEE MY BOYFRIEND). Hemingway being in Syracuse causes me to be grumpy and sulky and generally on the verge of tears because he did not throw caution and money to the winds to visit me instead - WHICH I KNOW IS IRRATIONAL BUT WHATEVER I AM ON MY PERIOD OKAY?

It is not helping my state of mind that the aforementioned ex wants to spend time with me and is actively pursuing spending time with me on the particular weekend that I would much rather be spending time with Hemingway. I am hurting and unhappy and bleeding and I really just want my boyfriend to cuddle me for a while. In my brain, I know that next week is not far away - but at this point, next week feels like too late, you know? Because I'm not going to need him next week the same way I need him this week, just like I don't need him this week the same way I needed him last week. It might look confusing, but it makes sense to me.

Also, just as a closing thought - "Love Actually" is a bad movie to watch when your boyfriend is NOT QUITE GETTING IT. All of those men who are absolutely focused on getting to their lady love before it is too late.... bah humbug. Such fiction.

Insanity? Thy name is ME

So. Here comes the part where I make everyone aware of exactly how crackers I am. Currently, I am in State College. Doesn't sound so odd, does it? Well, when you bring into account the fact that not 8 hours ago I was in VA....

Here's what happened. I was sitting in my room, chatting on the phone with Hemingway when I came to the sudden realization that I MISSED him. And also that I didn't REALLY need to be at church on Sunday, since we don't have choir for another week. (Yes, aren't I smart?) So, I said, "I really want to see you. You have no idea how close I am to just jumping in the car and..."

And then it hit me. I COULD just jump in the car and drive up. There was nothing stopping me. No commitments, no life-threatening emergencies, no lack of resources.... I was free and clear. I could DO it. I gave myself time to think rationally about it during my meeting with Ms. F., but swiftly came to a decision.

So, here I am. He cooked me pasta. I got a massage. There were smoochies. It's been a pretty damn fantastic evening. And the best part? We're together.

In other news, I have this cough that just won't go away. And auditions on Monday. Woo. Note my excitement.

Long Time Coming

Well. I still live, I promise. It's been such a busy time - nine weeks minus technology or Buffy or a real bed. I've learned how to belay really well (I am more than capable of suspending someone three times my own size on a climbing wall safely), I've learned how to make kids behave (Why? Because I told you. And it builds character.), and I've visited Penn's Cave more times than anyone rightly should (This is a rock chasing a rock over a rock, dammit!).

It's been tough. I didn't think I would be required to think so much, but I was. Practical problem solving, philosophical debate, human relation issues, my own problems that came up to bite me in the butt a few times... Really, you name it. I got a lot of reading done - when you are deprived of reading time, you learn to fit it in and then you learn to devour what you can get. I didn't write very much and I was a bad music student for not studying my music. Actually, I probably abused my voice a lot and I'll have some extreme catching-up to do and vocal pampering to do come this semester just to compensate. My voice teacher will be displeased.

Due to some recent events, I really don't feel like going back to school. I mean, I want to continue on to my senior year. It's going to be an exciting, busy, stressful time. I have a real apartment now, with two awesome flat mates, and I'll be accomplishing my senior project. I have a kickass class schedule that, if I can keep up with it, I'll enjoy a lot. Also, I look really good - my hair, for once, continues to behave admirably well. I haven't lost weight, so much, but only because muscle weighs more than fat and I am now in excellent shape. It's going to be a good year... as soon as I get up the guts to go back down to Virginia.

Believe it or not, I'm really enjoying myself here. A lot. In spite of my sore wisdom-toothless jaw. I need to get some cleaning done now. More posting later - now that I'm back in Internet land, I'm trying to get back to my old blogging habits.